there is no morning as the one i wake up next to you...

lost in complete thought... i think of how much i love...

... how you drive with bare feet... (i take my shoes off... )

... how it is you sweetly, gracefully and so muscularly guide my heart, body and soul in motion, position, flow and direction when we're together... i feel so lost in you... how your hand sweeps me up and you closely whisper softly to me... how it works together so completely... it takes me in and i am submissive to your everything... it is beautiful... natural... (i picture your hands... )

... how you kiss away my tears and hold my face in your beautiful hands and look sweetly, adoring, helplessly into my eyes when i am sad... (i start crying... )

... how confident you are with yourself, your body and how comfortable you are alongside me... your handsome body, contours, stance and how much of a man you are... you are so beautiful! (i am lost in a daydream with you... )

... how you look at me when you think i don't notice... (i am so in love with you... )

i miss you... i am so lost without you...

~ j. marshon

who I AM

I will NOT apologize for being exactly who I want to be… who I AM!!!

I am NOT a redneck...

I am NOT fake...

I am NOT submissive...

I am NOT mature and I WILL NEVER grow up...

I am NOT careful...

I am NOT a worrier...

I am NOT your parent...

I am NOT a follower of the crowd...

I am NOT promiscuous...

I am NOT a simple person...

I am NOT a quiet person...

I am NOT going to settle for second best...

I am NOT going to let you abuse me and take it sitting down...

I am NOT going to listen to you gossip and carry on at another’s expense...

I am NOT judgmental; so stop comparing me to others; or i will lash out the inconvenient truth (about you)...

I am NOT interested in nascar or hunting...

I am NOT going to do what you tell me to because you think you are right...

I am NOT going to agree with you when i disagree...

I am NOT going to laugh at your stupid jokes...

I am NOT going to pretend to be someone I am NOT!!!

... and yes, i may be the black sheep in the bunch... but i find that the black sheep is normally the most loving, accepting and considerate...

love wins!
jillY

change of heart

change of heart

I have a pretty long commute into work each day… it begins on the dirt gravel road I live on wayyyy out in the country near long lake… in the very heart of the michigan mitten… it is beautiful, lots of corn fields, bean fields, farmlands… my travels take me along some beautiful small town countryside scenery…

today, I was running a bit late and didn’t have much time to consider the scenery… that was... until a beautiful rottweiler-breedish dog dashed across the road in front of me and went diving into a ditch alongside the corn stalks… he was running strange; with a sort of limp movement… I thought, "oh no, he’s been hit"… I slowed down, placed the car in reverse,backed up, and turned down the dirt road he dashed toward… I called to him… i was going to try and get him in the car and drive him/find his home… he began hobbling down the road and I followed slowly behind… after a mile we came upon a house where he was greeted by two dotsons… surely they knew him! two boys greeted me and told me he belonged to them… I asked about his legs, and they told me he had been in a tractor accident a couple weeks ago and now runs with the limp movement… I felt very sad for him… he was beautiful and sweet… before i left, he came up to my window… gave me a sweet kiss and a nod and bid me farewell… a sort of thank you jester… he was still a young dog, but very large beautiful frame… I was glad he was home… i waved at the boys and went on my way down the dirt road...

"Drama!" I thought to myself… not what I need when I am already running late and need to get into work… and!!! I really needed coffee… ugghhh… I considered avoiding the starbucks ritual this morning due to the dog drama events so early on into the trip…

As I approached the city, I decided that I would just breeze through starbucks afterall… glad I did… I love that little bit of joy I get from that beautiful skinny hazelnut latte… and the nice person at the window… normally a very pleasant experience, quick, and i have my tackling fuel for the day… all is good…

I turn the street… thinking that i need to make up a few more seconds due to the coffee detour… "hurry… hustle people… get going" … I look ahead… police cars come into view... they're blocking the road… "oh brother" I think to myself… "more drama!!!"

Cars merge single file… as I get closer to the commotion my heart begins to sink… the minivan left it’s front end in the back end of the pickup truck it collided into… the entire front of the van was mutilated… the police standing outside the van, driver’s side door open… driver in front seat lying forward; hovered over onto the dash… no life on mars… very sad… I said a prayer, lifting the victim to God’s grace… my heart sinks further… I’ve an epiphany… a change of heart… as I am reminded…

Life is short… we waste so much of our time and days hustling and bustling on our race to/from work… we pass by the dog and let him fend for himself… we pass our neighbors without offering a smile, handshake, or simple hello… we hurry to get there; skipping the beloved latte and greetings of our coffeehouse friends to avoid the “late” stigma… we avoid the detours; with all hopes of avoiding the accidents so we can run into our buildings and sit at our computers… to desks positioned with our backs facing the exterior of our cubicle entrances… no conversation… no greetings… no communication but for this box and keyboard that becomes our life…

Life is too short… that person’s life was cut short… it can happen at any moment…

I log in, check my email, launch the web to enjoy the scenery of the tour de france as I bring up the streaming video online for the race… I sip my delicious latte… I write this note to you…

... I send each of you a this note of hope... that God bless you and grant you the notion to take a moment too… reflect… smile… live your life… love one another… take a moment to acknowledge your life… for it too shall pass… life is not a race, but a road that has many turns with opportunities to stop once in a while and take in the scenery… any-witch-way… so... slow down… help others… greet… love… live.

Love wins.
:)*
jillY

graduation...

Life is hard... sometimes it happens to you and you have no control over the situation or the events... you just sit there in disbelief...

I'm in the process of moving into a new house… building a home of my own… on my own… this is new to me… a new chapter I’m writing. It’s very scary, everything I previously learned and grew accustomed to is no longer a staple in my life. My best friend has found a new love and new life; I no longer feel the connection and bond that was once so profound... a link I thought nothing could break... a love that I thought could weather the changing tides...

As I was packing papers, books and belongings I stumbled upon a file of poems, notes, cards and photos that I had collected since college… this folder was misplaced among the majority of the bang and clatter… it was a file of love notes I had saved from my ex-husband since the very first moment I met him in 1990. Newspaper clippings from our greek week memories, notes of inspiration, apologies, encouragement and love… lots of tears were shed looking over the love and feelings poured into all of these beautiful, priceless pieces of paper that lay in a pile in front of me. I placed them all into a box... a place that I shall not visit; ever again.

My life of 20 years with this man, my best friend, is ending...
I found this note amongst the paperbacked memories...


On Her Graduation...

If you can take whatever life may hand you, and from it try to fashion something good…
If you know others may not understand you, but you keep right on doing what you should…
If you can watch a friend go off without you, and know that you can take such things in stride…
If you are kind and just to all about you and let the Golden Rule become your guide…
If you are wronged and still can be forgiving, believing it is better to forget…
If you think there is too much joy in living to waste your time on anger and regret…
If you accept a failure and not mind it, but stop to learn the lesson it can teach…
If you resist temptation when you find it, remembering the goal you want to reach…
If you can hold your own when you’re not winning and know you can’t achieve the things you plan…
If you can proudly make a new beginning and never lose your faith in God and man…
You’ll find success is waiting if you’re willing, that happiness is there for all who try…
Your life will be rewarding and fulfilling, and nothing good will ever pass you by!

- Mary, Tim’s Grandmother's note to me - May 8th, 1993 Graduation Day, Central Michigan University

Shine on.
Love wins.

the lone cypress

[CYPRESS TREE (the Faithfulness) - strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, content, optimistic, craves acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic, and careless.]

the lone cypress

I will never forget the day I encountered the lone cypress. It stood magically noble on the rocks stretched beneath my feet along California’s renowned seventeen mile drive. There in front of me a second miraculous encounter with my grandmother’s paintings coming to fruition right before my eyes. It was a profound realization. I glanced to my left to see the lone cypress, then spanned to my right to step right into a moment my grandmother painted years ago. A place as familiar as the living room walls of my parents home where the painting hangs. My grandmother painted a few dozen paintings in the years prior to her untimely encounter with cancer. She was very talented and often chose her paintings from magazines and books. She was my mentor, influence and instructor into the world of art.

When I stepped up to the platform there on California’s most prestigious pedestal to photograph the lone cypress, I immediately recognized the familiar setting. And, I knew once again that she was accompanying me on my path. She never visited California in person. She never traveled anywhere else in the world besides the winter plight of the Michigan winter bird's migration from Florida and back each year… although, I can say with confidence... she probably always wished she could have… I loved my grandmother greatly. She impacted my life very much… her memories and moments… all garnished with great importance. joy, laughter, love and guidance. We had a connection; something quite unexplainable. She, my mother and I all shared the same identity and looks. We were three of a kind. I however, took after my grandmother in her zealous characteristics including creativeness, impulsiveness, and charisma. Photographs of her as a child are a stunning mirror reflection to myself at such an age. I had always felt her presence with me over the years following her death. I didn’t mind; she was my guardian angel of sorts. Sadly, I would never feel the proximity and strength of her spirit so near to me again following this trip... I believe that she may have accompanied me to leave me behind and experience her next adventure...

I stayed in Monterrey Bay the evening prior. As I was flipping through the pages of a travel magazine, I stumbled upon a photograph of the San Carlos Borroméo de Carmelo Mission. I was shocked and intrigued to see the image. My grandmother also painted this church years prior. I shall never forget the memory. We entered her painting in the Ionia Free Fair. I was certain she would win. She choose that painting to enter into the art contest. It was absolutely lovely. The memory of it was the most lovely component thought. I never felt so proud of my grandmother as I did at that moment... my mother too. I could see the look of admiration in my mom’s eyes as we all watched my grandma Vini enter her exhibit. My mother still hangs the painting in the foyer today.

I made certain to visit the mission the following Sunday morning. When I arrived the vision was stunning. It was truly like walking into a  picture… my grandmother’s painting. The fountain, the archways of the church, the sanctuary, the bell tower… it was all very surreal as I stood in the center of the garden and looked all around. I stepped up to the church doors. They were holding a mass service that morning. They hold masses every Sunday. The church is a beautiful blessing since 1770 when it was founded. I walked around the side of the church to find a very old, very small, cemetery adorned with iron crosses. I remember the stillness and feeling of serenity in the air... the sweet sunshine shining down on me through the corridors. I was the only one there taking in this precious moment. I walked back around toward the front of the church to stand at the doors of the sanctuary again and listen in on the mass. A beautiful man dressed in the appropriate ceremonial attire stand there to my left looking in on the mass caught my eye and smiled at me… I smiled back, he was a delightful elderly man of faith… I turned to my right to see where Tim had ventured off to and immediately glanced back to the elderly man… it had to have been a mere moment… a few seconds... but, in that frozen moment, he seem to have disappeared… it was very strange to say the least… I immediately located Tim to tell him about the man… we proceeded to walk around the immediate area in front of the church doors and to the side of the church to see where he could have possibly wandered off to. It was a benevolent feeling I shall never forget. I left the mission that early morning feeling as though I'd been blessed and brushed by the wings of an angel. Absolutely beautiful!

Then later that afternoon, there on the coast overlooking the Pacific Ocean, I was able to see with my own eyes the beauty that she only projected onto her painted canvas . The very paintings displayed so elegantly at my parents house til this day. Indeed, the very same paintings I spent hours upon hours admiring in the sheer silence only allowed of a pure countryside raised girl. The paintings are graceful, peaceful and beautiful. I would get lost in them. I stared at them for hours, placing myself in the element and dreaming of how she must have felt bringing such beauty of printed life in photographs to canvas with each and every stroke of the brush in her hand. It was such a reaffirmation of her beauty and love... I left California feeling completely blessed that evening.

I often think back to the memory of that day… the memory of the church… the beauty… the lone cypress… I can personally relate to that tree. I so often feel such lonesomeness. No matter how much I desire to love others; I always seem to find myself among the loneliest of situations and surroundings... There is a grace and peace that accompanies such an existence though… perhaps that is just how some of us are to carry on… witness… live… love. It’s a gracious humility… to rise above everyday solidarity in plight of continuously reaching for greater heights…

maktub…

~ j. marshon

hummingbird...

Legends say...
the hummingbird floats free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration... opening our eyes to the wonder of the world and inspire us to open our hearts to loved ones and friends. The hummingbird’s delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life’s sweetest creation.

el amor triumfa...

The Peninsula House Diaries...

... continued

Love wins… regardless of any circumstance or situation… love always wins… I awoke the next morning to sunshine streaming through the windows… it was brilliant… I felt better having cried away many of life’s regrets the night before… a lady in white came to me in a dream… she knelt over me and touched my forehead… it seemed surreal… it was really the only thing I recall from my dreams that night… but, I felt much more relaxed… I got myself around and ventured downstairs for breakfast…

… there in the corner of the veranda was my table… round and amazingly festooned with a huge bouquet of brilliantly colored flowers… it is like out of a dream itself… the entire table… amazing colors of juices in beautiful crystal decanters… tiny glorious service ware for sugars and jellies… the array of fruit sprinkled with pomegranate (a very favorite if mine)… thinly sliced grapes and strawberries… it was perfect! So many details for me to examine and admire… I enjoyed the morning thoroughly…

I began thinking about dinner the evening prior… I was sitting at the same table… then garlanded with amazing red flowers and carefully selected linens… deep red crystal glasses… and an array of splendid china to accompany each course of my dinner… it was lovely… and to top it all off… the house kitty, Pete, welcomes me to the table as he adorns the veranda railing just above my table… Pete is a peculiar one… he lies on the railing… just like an old black squirrel I befriended years ago at my beach house in Michigan used to lay… I miss that silly behavior… Pete is bundle of attitude all the way… I love it! I love cats though… especially those with personality, posh demeanor, stance and grace… that is Pete… Pete sits up to display his character full force, and as he stands, his heart shaped patch of golden fur is profoundly revealed. “Love wins!” I say out loud… “He’s a heart kitty… love wins!” I’m pleasantly humbled…

Each day on my journey here in the Dominican Republic I’ve noticed heart shapes in the most unconventional places… shapes that pop up, appear and remind me that I am indeed on the proper path… that I am doing exactly what I should be doing… it is sort of an affirmation to me that things are going to be alright… that God is with me… each time I see a heart shape I say a little prayer of gratitude… it’s my life’s mantra… love wins… these little reminders give me a sense of peace and joy in the world around me… I am reminded of how blessed I am… and I am grateful that I am one of the few who actually sees this affirmation in life…

There on the veranda enjoying dinner, I was finally able to connect to the internet via iPod… it had been several days that I was out of touch with the world… Internet marketing is what I do for a living, so not having email, facebook, google, or my cell phone (which broke on my first day of the trip), at my disposal was a real adjustment… I fired off a few emails to my sister, work, people who have been waiting for replies… I only answer the urgent… “Tell mom I am doing just fine… it is beautiful here!” [SEND] off to my sister… I set the iPod down… it was beautiful… the setting, food, classical music, candlelight, the dark night sky… almost overwhelmingly beautiful… absolutely beautiful… and then there he appears... he pops up so quietly… I’m taken back… not sure how to feel about being so well taken care of… the service is amazingly professional and eloquent here at The Peninsula House… but… how I wish he would just sit down and take up a chair next to me and join me in food and conversation; instead of waiting on me… I feel a disconnection in that scenario… it’s the only thing missing… someone special to share all this beauty with. That is the one thing I miss the most about marriage. My ex-husband and I would dine out frequently, often at wonderful places with lovely ambiance and pallet selections… both food and spirits… we laughed, talked, conversed about everything… I truly miss having someone in my life that can communicate on the same plateau… someone who just “gets you.” Someone who is capable of intelligently, sarcastically and cleverly talking, discussing, arguing, agreeing, giggling (especially when no words are necessary) with.

Back to the future… my breakfast eggs arrive to order, scrambled with cheese… perfect! Dark black coffee, amazing fresh orange, pineapple and papaya juices… yes, I had to try all of them!!! Delicious! I sat quietly there by myself overlooking the grounds, ocean view and sunshine encircling me… I bow my head and say a quick prayer of thanks to God for this blessing… although feeling unworthy… the tears swell up again… I grab my iPod and shoot off an email…

“This place is so beautiful… but, vacation is just not the same without you… I miss you…”
[SEND]

Uggh… I immediately have qualms about hitting the send button… :/ I begin to tear up again… Thinking about him with his new girlfriend in Bratislava... I shake my head and look down... ask God to forgive my life mistakes… I wipe away the tears and remind myself to look up and enjoy the beautiful scenery as I will be headed back to snowy grey days in Michigan soon… when I looked up… I had to catch my breath… there right in front of me… like a picture framed just for me… appeared the most brilliant rainbow that I have ever seen... blazing colors… It extends the entirety of the shoreline below… stretched out in front if me… ending and hovering on one side above the renowned “Peninsula House Beach Club” that I have yet to experience… the other end positioned directly in front of me… I am breathless… and immediately I know… I am forgiven… I share a special acknowledgment with God… I am humbled beyond belief… I watch the entire rainbow float on and disperse into the universe… God promised me he would always love me… and he will not forsake me… forgiveness is love… the weight of the world dispersed off from my shoulders in that moment as the rainbow did. The sense of serenity exonerated me. No one else was around to see the rainbow… only me… and God...


Following this moment of bliss, I decided to lounge by the pool and soak it all in for an hour prior to taking a visit to the beach that afternoon… On my way to the pool I paused briefly on the veranda to look out on the beautiful lawn… just then a hummingbird flew right up to me… I have never had one come so close to me in proximity before… I thought he was going to poke me with his tiny beak he was so close… :)* … hummingbirds are such beautiful birdies… so soft and delicate… fast and furious… I love them very much… one of my favorite creatures of the air… I grabbed my camera and caught a picture of him mid-air hovering above me… strange I thought… blessed…

The pool was brisk and refreshing… I love swimming pools… I sat and read for a bit… then I visited the pool house… on my way into the pool house, I wondered to myself where I might spot the heart shapes today… the rainbow was pretty intense… not to mention the hummingbird… I wondered if there would be any additional love signs today at all as a result… then… in a moment, as I entered the wash room to rinse my face, I turned around for a towel and right there in front of me… the answer… a heart shape in the chair immediately greeting me. :) again… I am humbled… I dive back into the pool and float around like a child… completely enjoying the feel of the fresh sunshine on my face, and weightlessness of the water cradling me… I feel completely in the moment… completely at peace… as I look up… love is in the air too… heart shaped clouds… how fun I giggle to myself! Love wins.

Next stop… the beach house… we arrive at this small piece of paradise… a quick walk through the restaurant… to the beach… I’m speechless… I have a nine mile stretch of beach all to myself… now I feel a bit foolish that I slept and wept away my afternoon the day prior when I could have been laying by the ocean here… but, “Everything in its time,” I remind myself… "everything has its time, place and reason…" I arrange my lounge chair on the beach… take a swim in the beautiful shallow turquoise waters… I am completely humbled… again…


I enjoyed learning about the background and history of how this beach house came to be… it is truly special… it is indeed the proverbial pot of gold that encompasses one end of the rainbow! I take a cocktail for the beach… two hours later I am sunkissed and ready for something to eat…

Lobster and wine for lunch… okay… for a girl who has abandoned drinking for the past few weeks… this is all really hitting me pretty strong… tasty though…

I wander back off to the beach to body surf and enjoy the afternoon lounging… all by myself on the beach… it is amazing!!! Complete solitude… then… stinging sensations… is it the noseeums, the sand, the breeze in conjunction with the sand???… Nope, sunkissed skin…  a little too much sunkissing though… I walk along the beach a bit… knelt down to find a heart shaped fossil… I kiss it and place it in my pocket… back to my lounge I notice yet another heart shape… this time a sweet little rock… I scoop it up, kiss it, and place it in my pocket… how wonderful! Love wins! I pack up my belongings and venture back to my new favorite place in beach earth… The Peninsula House Beach Club… new acquaintances… lovely people filled the place with laughter, joy and love… heaven on earth!

Love wins.
- j. marshon