spring cleaning
I spent the first week of april vacuuming, rearranging furniture, dusting, organizing… placing the easter decorations in their familiar spaces… enjoying the moment… in the house… that was our home… delighting in that familiar and whimsical notion of family… joy swirled around me and my thoughts like the dust and kitty dander floating in the sun rays off the windowsill…
he came home from his business trip… but, there was so much more different about him than business travel wearing on his face… something different… someone…
my God… my heart sinks… I can hardly swallow… this is it… our ungodly hour…
I couldn’t breathe as I packed my clothes and hastily shoved, threw and scurried my final belongings into the car… tears uncontrollably pouring down my face… the dogs in chaos… one with me… one stays with him… a family… home… life… torn apart… forevermore…
I packed the rest up into boxes… clothes and t-shirts collected over the past 20 years… reminders of the fun times, places, people, things, experiences, smiles, love, friendship, loss, pain, regret, sadness, heartache… packed all in boxes… cleaning my life… all of these things, thoughts, moments, memories packed into a box for goodwill… for someone to open up and see my life of accumulated articles of clothing, trinkets, souvenirs…
my life… in a box…
I have nothing... he has the house... I have useless gadgets and furniture that only evokes tears… I pack it all away, out of sight… but, never out of thought…
how do I start over… I have no idea where to go… what to do… who I am… it is all packed into those boxes…
springing from the depths of the earth… I am just now starting to peek through the darkness into the light… so much time has been lost… I have to start anew from the beginning… again… at this stage in my life… I am a genuine soul… I am pure… untainted… innocent…
terrified…
to open the door... too... spring forward...
- j. marshon
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