Monday, December 22, 2008

For One More Day





the moment that one thing ends… is the same time that one begins… and return as we must we are ashes to dust… amen…

For One More Day is indeed another great book from Mitch Albom… a quick read; but full of insight and takeaways.

I’d been putting off reading this one because I just loved Tuesdays with Morrie so much. So when I did read this one, I decided to read it all in one swoop. I love the quirks he gives to the various characters within his stories. I love how the mother in this story used to slip notes… and how eccentric, classy and defined she was in lieu of heartache and the struggles she encountered… I can relate to her character… she was also in spite of the hardship, a very loveable character.

My take away occurred in the final pages of the book… I thought to myself, “No way… did Mitch get hold of my journal somehow and reshape the story a bit?” You see, I’ve had a very similar experience as Chick did in this story that I experienced with my grandmother. Not sure how to explain it exactly… I just know that there was an ‘echo’… a period of time when I got to see grandma one more time; and I was overcome with a sense of something I can’t even begin to explain… it’s funny… the only person I related the dream sequence to in complete utter detail was my mother and she wasn’t very surprised. In fact, she was strangely open and interested in my experience. My mom is also a woman of faith; she knows my quirks, and knows how to take me in stride. But, she knew this was more than just a dream…

I’d received a small dream analysis book months prior to the dream and following my experience I tried to recap every detail I could recall in effort to try and make sense of it… but I’m still to this day in avail and wonder…

Interestingly enough… my mom related the story to my aunt Julia… a solid, beautiful woman of genuine, unaltered faith… unconditional belief… not so much religious as spiritual… Aunt Julia replied to my mom with the most interesting of comments in her sweet, soft, and special loving voice, “Oh, I am so glad she got to see her again! That is so wonderful for her.” see… she knows too…

I often think that I am able to experience spirituality and my faith in a different uncensored manner than most because of a near-death experience I had when I was a child. I often find that anyone I meet who has had such an experience on the verge of death see things a little bit differently than the majority of folks. It is humbling; and I am very blessed. I think I was able to teeter on the fence for a while… in that ‘in-between world’ so to say… therefore, I have no doubt that there is more to this life than meets the eye… what it is exactly – I don’t know… but, I do know there is something beyond this shell of a body I live in… the soul is forever… the body is just temporary…

So now, my story… I could write this all in a formalized short book/story like Mitch; but for now you’ll just get the shortened “recapped” version… which is still probably too long for a blog… but, whatever… you don’t have to read it… all voluntary here! :)



My grandma passed away years ago. I had a lot of problems dealing with the loss of her. A lot of issues with myself, worrying how she sees me now and how I wish things could be a better person. I felt like I was living a lie. I felt like if people really knew how much of a hypocrite I was in life… how unperfected I really was… wouldn’t they just have a field day! I wasn’t perfect. For one of the first times in my life I couldn’t rise above some of my concerns and just fix it. Things were out of control, out of my hands and I couldn’t fool myself any longer. It was a time in my life filled with internal struggle, complete self doubt, depression and trials… I was trying to reconnect with God and my inner child... I was feeling lost… could not find peace… felt alone all of the time… did not have friends… was sinking into a depressive regime that was just going nowhere… I was starting my master’s degree, experiencing this profound loss of my dear grandmother, and bombarded with new problems including the crude realization and initial admittance to my dissipating marriage…

But, on the outside, everything was perfect. I lived in the perfect mansion in the high society side of town. Traveled to Aruba, Jamaica, and other great places for vacation. Was making way too much money at a job that I used to love… Everything from the outside would appear just PERFECT to the average onlooker. But all of my internal struggles were taking their toll and completely bottled up inside of me… the hidden “ugly” truth that nobody but I could see… but now, I knew SHE could… it was mortifying to say the least! This woman, my grandmother, was my mentor, my role model, everything good in the world. She was a lady of great faith, even a pastor, which was/still is very uncommon for women… I loved her unconditionally and she was perfect in my eyes; and still is to this day…

My grandma was the one who recognized me during a church service…. I was very little. I was scared… it was just a church service… that came to a point when people started making their way up to the altar to pray and receive Christ. I didn’t really know what was happening… all I knew was that I had to do something important then and there… it is one of my earliest childhood memories I can recall beside the hospital dream incident which I will describe in more detail. But, there in the church on that night, I felt like my whole world and being was spinning out of control. I needed something, but didn’t know what or how to make it happen. I cannot describe how I felt exactly; I wasn’t even listening to the service… all I knew was that there was something going on around me, in the air, in my body… something way too familiar and I was completely freaking out in panic knowing there was something that I just HAD to do…

My grandma knew this somehow… I don’t know how it happened… she just came up to me where I was in one of the back pews in the church, took me by the hand and we sat down in the back of the church and prayed, talked, and in the brief moments that followed… my life was complete, full, changed, peaceful and I have never felt something as profound or even similar since. I have no idea how to describe it exclusively. It was miraculous.

This moment with Grandma immortalized her and I… bonded her with me forever somehow… I suppose I always felt that I could never be a good enough person in her eyes if she knew all of my flaws. When she passed away I felt as thought I had really let her down and I tortured myself for a year wishing I was a better person now that she could see me from the other side of life.



It was exactly one year after her death when I had the dream. I prayed that night before I slept – a prayer like many before – for forgiveness and for strength to be a better person. And, like many nights prior, my asthma was growing increasingly worse and had now reached constant night coughing episodes. I often woke at night from a sound sleep to the episodes of grasping my breath and frantically trying to find one of the five albuterol inhalers that littered my bedside. I retired to bed early that night and fell asleep after reading some of my favorite passages and writings; which wasn’t a normal practice for me.

The sequence of the dream began as me looking through a large glass window (sort of like a store front window). My grandmother was sitting inside… in a waiting room area… knitting. The blanket she was knitting was draped over her legs to keep her warm. There was a glass door entrance, but the door would not open. There appeared to be no entry into the room. I could watch her but she couldn’t see me or my mom who was standing beside me as we stood outside the door looking in on her. I couldn’t get her attention even though I tried to knock on the windows feverishly. I wanted to talk to her again… just one more time… to say goodbye… to touch her… to hug her… to just be in her presence again… I loved her so much.

I remember feeling how lucky I was to be able to just see her again! Really ‘see’ her, so clearly… just as the last day I’d seen her at the hospital before she passed away. And all the details were as a normal a scenario as I can describe… not dreamlike at all. She looked like she was waiting for something to happen… as if she were in a doctor’s waiting room. As I stood outside of the window looking in with my mom, I realized that no one could see her but me; not even my mom. The next thing I remember was walking down a hallway and directed into my grandmother’s room at the end of the hall. My grandma was sitting up in a bed, dressed all in white… she was radiant… just beautiful! I could see every detail, every line in her beautiful face. I immediately grabbed her and hugged her so tight – tears just flowed from my eyes as I shouted out in an embrace with her, “I love you grandma!” “I am so sorry, I am so sorry that I haven’t been a good enough person.” I told her that I was so sorry for the things I’d done wrong in life – the things I feel so bad about – for not be a good enough person, a better Christian, and I asked her, “Please forgive me! I am so sorry.” I have never had a dream so intense in my life… and have not had one as such since then either.

I could feel her and hear her beautiful voice – she was comforting me and nurturing me. I could feel her holding my hand. Her beautiful graceful hand with veins and age spots and beautiful petite nails… I can picture it all so clearly. She was holding my hand so tight I momentarily woke up with a strong sense of my right hand being squeezed lovingly and supporting. It was such a wonderful, but, profound feeling… a moment of complete comfort and peace flowed through every inch of my body. I was completely at peace following that dream and the feeling remained with me significantly strong for days thereafter. I feel that I was somehow transformed, maybe even forgiven… that I was ok… that everything was ok. And I was filled with a complete sense of peace and a knowing that I cannot even begin to describe in words. It was just bizarre, incredible, and new!

I read the following passage in Mitch’s book and my heart skipped a beat… my throat swelled…

“I’m lost.” My mother moved closer. Her voice softened. ‘Have you ever dreamt of someone who’s gone, Charley, but in the dream you have a new conversation? The world you enter then is not so far from the world I’m in now.’ She put one hand on mine. ‘When someone is in your heart, they’re never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times.’ …

Then the book character goes on later toward the end of the book to tell his mother his deepest concerns and shame… “How sorry… how I’m so… so… sorry…” he described himself confessing to his beloved mother… sobbing uncontrollably emptying himself wailing… then… “Perdonare.”… the message of the book…

“forgive yourself…”

I couldn’t believe this… I was reading a recap of the events and the things that happened so similar in my very own dream with my grandmother…”How is this possible?” I thought. This book has hit a spot with me… weird!!! … Then the book ended with this…

“there’s a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall, how a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, sometimes hard and heartbreaking.” … similar to my personal creed to, “remember that everyone has a story that will break your heart; and everything happens in motion the way it was intended…”

This book acted as a confirmation of my faith, belief and knowledge that my grandma loved me enough to come back and make sure I understand her love, forgiveness, and most importantly to make sure to forgive myself.

About a month following the dream I visited an asthma specialist regarding my growing asthma problems… They conducted the full-fledged allergy test on me… results indicated many different things I was allergic to… many tests were administered thankfully… I was to find out that I was deathly allergic to latex paint, dust, mold and beef. They prescribed me medications at once, including a huge needle lifesaving weapon that I was assigned to carry with me at all times! This… and a nice pretty medical alert bracelet. : ) Oh brother!!!

So after the fact, there remains this to consider… I’d been remodeling and painting the house around the timeframe of the dream. The paint was latex-based, the air surrounding me and every room in the house contained dust from sanding, and the house itself is planted in the woodsy sand dunes aligning the Lake Michigan shoreline; lined with moss and mold. All of these factors, especially the paint, was sending me into the abrasive asthmatic spells and loss of breath each night… and maybe… just perhaps… sent me into ‘echo’ so I could see my dear grandmother… for one more day…

Love wins! Love always wins!

Anyara-Aphorisms:
Aquarius’ Quote for Christmas: “Remembrance, like a candle...burns brightest at Christmas Time.” - Charles Dickens

Godspeed!
~ jill marshon




Friday, December 5, 2008

I found the Spirit of Christmas this morning... He helped me open my eyes as I awoke... You might know Him too... His name is Christ...




I found the Spirit of Christmas this morning... He helped me open my eyes as I awoke... You might know Him too... His name is Christ...

I love that first moment in the morning as you awake from deep sleep… I’ve mastered the art of waking up without an alarm clock… but I set it just in case... I normally wake just prior to the alarm sounding… it is in these few silent still beautiful moments that I take it in… the cat and dog are still asleep… my eyes open to a thought of sorts… and all the world is at peace… for just these few blessed minutes. But, this is not a frequent occurrence... so when it does happen, I savor it wholly.

This morning… I found the Spirit of Christmas, He helped me open my eyes as I awoke… these words came to mind… I think He whispered them into my ear alongside my Grandmother…

“Delight thyself in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” Ps 37:4

And I realize… that it is not something, someone, or my own understanding that will bring anything to pass… but my faith in Christ, who has always been there for me, and has proven time after time; His love and joy toward me… by doing just what that verse states… He gives me the true desires of my heart! Without a doubt! I am humbled; I hug the puppy dog, kiss his sweet soft head, and snuggle in until the clock alarm sounds again…

I step outside with the dog… look around at the beautiful glistening snow from the glow of the farm mercury light… and in the cast of a star-shaped shadow on the sparkling snow… He makes Himself known…

Traveling to work… I dwell on all my heartbreak, all of the loss, all the tears… then He again makes Himself known… appears in front of me… the word “FAITH” (all caps) blatantly comes into focus on the license plate of the car directly in front of me… under the stop light… on my way out of town…

I drive the long stretch of highway… mind off in thought again... dwelling on troubles… how can he entertain another for dinner out... in our home... our bed… The sadness and heartbreak becomes too much to hold in anymore… they start streaming down my cheeks… can’t stop them… one phone call was all it took for this flood of tears… turning into waves now… I limp my car off the highway to muster up the zest and pull into Starbucks for a Friday treat; the wonderful eggnog latte… but, the tears still will not stop… this crying game must end… how long… 18 years of my life are gone… 13 years of marriage and all I have to show for it is a broken heart… tears continue… I rub them away trying to stay focused on the task at hand… order and pick up the latte through the drive thru window… not a hard task, right?

I hold my head low, wipe my face dry… huge snowflakes begin to fall and a couple sneak into the opening of the window… I pull up to pick up my joyful beverage…

The young lady at the counter informs me that the car in front of me paid for my latte… with more tears bottling up in my eyes... I cry now a bit of sorrow with the grace of joy… I was so grateful… grateful for the heart of a stranger… grateful for Christ… He makes himself known to me again…

When you think no one in this world cares for, or notices you… always know this… He does…

By the Spirit of Christmas, love wins.

~ jill marshon

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

a Chinese buffet...





a Chinese buffet...

There has to be more to my day than Chinese buffet? I can’t believe this has become my life. That the only thing I actually did today that made me feel just a little bit pleasant was go outside, drive down the street, and indulge in the much-to-be-desired Chinese buffet.

The worst part… I wasn’t alone in my lonesome pitiful quest. There were others there when I arrived… sitting alone, gobbling down the chicken and/or whatever it is they deep fat fry up in the breading shelled giblets smothered in God-only-knows sauces.

I look around the small room, there is one worker up front who does all the reloading/checking of the hot plates… two gentlemen in the back that don’t speak a single node of English… and I wonder… how is it they came to be here? Here from a different country… not familiar with the English language, or life here in general… and then even more so… they are in cold-climate Michigan… tucked back in this pathetic narrow room aligned among the out-of-placed strip mall storefronts... that so few dare to venture…

I feel as though my whole life is passing me by as I stare out the window of this 6x9 room filled with a few tables and Chinese buffet… I am completely sapped, sad, and utterly alone…

My lost love dwells in another country half a world away... often wishing he could graze the Chinese buffet. They don’t have them in Poland. Strange, how one wishes for such undeserving cuisine… strange how such deserved love goes unraveled and abandoned within my being as I sit here next to the wanted mystery meat… I am the unwanted…

So many dismiss the most important things, and most abundant love available to them… that not available on the convenient Chinese buffet... tossing it aside in search for something more, better, brighter, younger, more convenient. But, what they don’t understand is that one rarely ever gets real joy and fulfillment from the full buffet... that which is more, better, brighter, younger, and more convenient...

… and, in the end, when all is said and done, there is no turning back. In the end, you wake up and have one of ‘those moments’ when all you can do is stare out the window and wonder to yourself… is this all that has become… this, all that I have accepted… that I have chosen… and indulged in… this; all that I have made my final decision upon… the sub-standardized buffet... is this really what’s best for me, best for my life, and best for my being…

… is this really chicken???


~ j. marshon

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

my so-called plaster-of-paris life...




my so-called plaster-of-paris life...

i don't think I have ever been quite so unhappy and yet gaining contention at the same time... thusfar in my life… this is a strange venture for me… a new place… gone is the life i once thought i would live out… the secure life of a housewife, a determined business pro, the perfect churchy girl… now, i appear in other's eyes as shameful… a failure, an adulterer (even thought i didn't commit any act of adultery)… i am still a liar, used and broken… i appear to others as a mold of discontent; and i can see the reflection of judgment in their eyes… but not in God's…

… i believe God knows what is going to take place in our lives… he has the plan all figured out… i have undergone so many struggles in my life… i know it doesn't appear that way by the perfect plaster-of-paris mold that this myspace page exuberates… this site only shows you the accomplishments… the trophies… but i am so much more than that… aren't we all…

i hope so… how shallow would this world be if all we were in life was our accomplishments and the easy-going beautiful fun and shinny side of things…

… life doesn't work that way… sometimes some of us have unbelievable challenges and struggles… that is why my personal philosophy is and always will be to remember 'everyone has a story that will break your heart... be compassionate and try to find the best quality in every person... life is short; and when it comes right down to it; our only purpose on this planet is to love one another.'

… i've/i'm living a life of strife… don't know why God has put me thought such challenges… living without… losing my innocence, mind, marriage… some of the struggles… mountains i climb… mountains we all climb i suppose…

i am lovable… so why do i so often feel so unloved… why am i so alone… because i decide not to settle for less than what i believe to be the minimal… our choices can hurt us and others… help us and save others… it's a balance of opposites… a constant struggle between good times and bad… why do i so often feel stuck in the middle…

... again... i suppose we all do at times...

... i have a constant raging desire to break out of this mold... i've shattered the outer layer; created a hell of a mess in the process too... now, i'm trying to pick up the pieces... and clear off the patches of dust that remain on the exterior...

how long?...

... think of life's perfect model as an analogy to plaster-of-paris molds that have to be broken in order for the inner being to be seen as it truly is... the beauty inside...

... this is where i am... breaking out of the mold; searching for what to do next... the shiny inertia starting to peer through...




broken; scott stapp

why are we overcome with fear?
what if i told you that fear isn't real.
why are we overcome with death?
what if i told you my friends your doubt
you could live without!

there is a question i want to understand
why can't everyone tell the truth and learn to love again

do you know...what it feels like to be broken and used
scared and confused
yes i know

one more question... i know time is dear
is what the world speaks of love really real?
the answers not of this world but very clear
look above to find love and you found eternal life

street corner preachers you've heard before
friendly advice just gets thrown out the door
there is a question that i want to understand
why can't everyone tell the truth...and learn to love again

do you know...what it feels like to be broken and used?
scared and confused
yes i know...what it feels like to be broken and used
scared and confused
yes i know
i'm broken!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

This Too Shall Pass




"This Too Shall Pass."

This year has been a very difficult time for me… well the last three years have much to be desired as a matter of fact. But, how long… how long will this continue to go on… I question myself. It becomes more severe as the days gain headway toward the holidays… another year in limbo… another year, no decorations, no faith, no joy to share with that special someone… I begin to sink into another depressive state… the likes of that which I haven’t allowed myself to fall victim to since earlier this year…

I spent the last week at my “home.” The house I designed and built with my ex-husband on the shores of Lake Michigan. It was wonderful to relax and be so free at home for that time. I knew this depression would follow… but I stayed there none the less with my pets and all too familiar surroundings. There is no way to prepare for the let down… the inevitable…

Reminded in my final day... repeatedly... that...
I CHOSE to leave that home…
I CHOSE to sign off on the house…
I CHOSE to give it all up…

I remind myself that i should CHOOSE to separate myself from there forever…

Last night, after struggling through the fourth day of a severe migraine headache in lieu of the separation from home and hearth …I recalled this quote;
“This too shall pass…”

There is so much loaded in those four words…

I returned to the temporary clutches of the dark, dreary, den of inequity that I dwell in… my parents lower level basement… back to retreat in the catacomb of life that I now know, and that my ex-husband is more than pleased to remind me of… my CHOICE… it was my choice to make… which now makes me more anxious and depressed… I vow once again, to not return to the beach house that was once my own…

My cat, Solomon immediately takes his place underfoot as I am welcomed home by his vociferous meows and buzzing body… encircling my feet… he makes me anxious… I can hardly walk down the hallway without tripping over him… he senses the depression… lays on me the first night, almost smothering my face… he cannot seem to get close enough to me… he loves me unconditionally… and I push him away because I am so sad, and feel so unlovable… although I know all he is trying to do it take away my sadness, pain and depression… all he is trying to do is tell me four little words…

“This too shall pass…”

I Corinthians 10:12 ~ King Solomon once searched for a cure against depression. He assembled his wise men together. They meditated for a long time and gave him the following advice: Make yourself a ring and have thereon engraved the words "This too shall pass." The King carried out the advice. He had the ring made and wore it constantly. Every time he felt sad and depressed, he looked at the ring, whereon his mood would change and he would feel cheerful.

Many may recall this phrase as used by Abraham Lincoln. He went through what would be the darkest period in the entire US history when both sides of his own soldiers were killing each other, in tens of thousands. Every passing day, he said to himself, “This too shall pass.”

It is also said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!

The quote, in itself, is simple… The true wisdom found in its straightforward meaning and personal declaration.

Maktub! This too... shall pass...

~ j. marshon

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Living Out Loud



Living Out Loud

"I got my indignation, but I’m pure in all my thoughts… I’m alive…" E. Vedder

I live out loud… I live in the moment… it is God breathed choice. Please refrain from trying to ‘sush’ me… I will not be silent. I live much of my life trying to embrace my inner child… embracing the moment at hand and my surroundings. I get excited and amused by the ‘little’ things. I’m not rude, I just tend to be filled with a childlike awe. I refuse to act like an ‘adult’ just because you and/or society deem it so to be… deem it so, just because we attain a specific age, level or societal status.

We spend a good majority of our lives being ‘shushed’ by others. To some it is a control issue, others it is just that they don’t want to hear you – they are too wrapped up in themselves; and then there are others who don’t want to hear anything – they just want to be disclosed from as much as possible all together. That is not how I choose to live my life. I live out loud. I’m not obnoxious, just passionate and happy most of the time. I embrace the excitement of the moment and relish in the joy and positive chi that surrounds me. I apologize if this makes you uncomfortable, but I don’t apologize for being who I am.

I refuse to live a simple, quite existence.

I’ve been shushed way too many times… but, never by my parents…. They know who I am and do not limit me to expected mannerisms stigmatic of society’s norm. I can move… I can sit somewhere else… I will find different friends to hang out with… if I make you that uncomfortable. Why can’t you just accept me at face value? Yes, I am aware that I am loud at times… but I am also very quite and reserved most of the time.

What you don’t know… is that I actually don’t hear perfectly. A few years back I fell on a rock and was diagnosed with a severe concussion that caused equilibrium and balance problems. Earlier that same year, I had multiple visits to the doctor for unusual growths located in my inner ears. They wanted to operate and take them out, but I did not want to risk my hearing then… I am certain I don’t hear 100% perfectly. So, there is actual proof and truth to why I may be a bit louder than others in general… but I am not making this an excuse at all!!! Nope, I choose to live out loud, and not be and/or act like a mouse just because you might find my zest and youthfulness to be annoying at times.

Why do people care so much what others think about them? Do you realize that most people don’t even THINK about you AT ALL… nope, not even for a second? I know so many of my friends and family who always want everyone to be quiet… sushhhhhh. Most of these individuals have MAJOR control issues! I wish they could learn to just, ‘let it go.’ They are always so worried about what people will say, or worst… ‘think’ about them… When in reality, most people do not have a single thought about them. They don’t make the slightest impact on what other people think most of the time!

I know this, because I was once exactly like them… a ultra major control freak. I had to have everything and everyone in check. This behavior led to the destruction of my spirit, anxiety and depression. I vow to not allow myself be effected by anything and anyone so severely ever again. I mean think about it??? Who cares? Who really cares? I am very accepting of others because of this. I do have my moments of criticism though... I am human just like everyone else. But, I strive to be accepting, neutering, childlike in nature… so I can experience every moment of this life without holding back. This is how I choose to live in a land of freedom... how i truly receive the most from life in fastidious moments and surroundings… by being myself, being completely myself… my occasional goofy, funny, silly, happy, bold, elusive, live out loud self. :)

I am who I am… be as you are.

Love wins!

~ j. marshon

Thursday, November 13, 2008

someone... please turn the lights back on?



Power Outage!

Light is gone… high winds have knocked the power lines out... so common for this time of year along the lake shore...

nope… tv show is not available tonight on this must see tv night. you must acquire and acclaim your own amusement and wit this evening...

I sit here in the dark now… contemplating my life and wasted days that have passed me by… reminded of my failures and under sights... are you still house-sitting? My sister txt me…

yes… at MY house… this house… that WAS once my own…

I sit in front of the amazing architecture and framing of the adoring fireplace that I alone designed… it’s intricate simple beauty… my paintings, my plants, my custom stainless kitchen just off to the left… I am surrounded in what was… what could have been... if I could have just remained a slave to it all… I think… why do I do this to myself… why do I deem it so important to hold on in comfort for myself and ex husband… for what/who is to benefit from such action???

I am enlightened, serene, sad, happy, and utterly depressed by my surroundings…
no resistance to fall further into a depressive state of loss and unattained dreams…
I continue reading Hemingway… and realize… I am not alone on this venture.
I love how Hem describes people in intricate detail… and how he can articulate the taste of foods with superb brilliance! … I wish someone could have told me… to never follow a lucrative meritage with a semi-fine zin… eww. It’s true… You do actually get what you pay for when it comes to a bottle of wine!!! … man… the meritage… was beautiful… an indulgence perhaps only the likes of Hemingway could truly appreciate!!!

I'm so misunderstood... so… misconstrued am i… if you take me at face value… you will miss my true beauty and profundity! I am quite never what most people expect… my shell is ultra hard coated… my love pure but my being quite volatile.

I often feel so misplaced in this world among everyone else...

I’m overcome… I want to cry… but do not allow myself to fall victim to it… my dreams have been nothing but contrary… filled with ‘I told you so’s.” and “you should have’s.” makes me feel a bit like puking right about now!!! Life isn’t that transparent to me… as it is with so many…

Then… there's the kid thing… "You don’t have any… you don’t understand…”
… then, why can I write lullabies’ more beautiful than any other with child??? That’s a good question?

Lights back on now…

I can see clearly again…

I am so lost…

~ j. marshon

Friday, November 7, 2008

spirit within




Each of us is so powerful in our own understanding…

We have the ability to build others up so high or break them down to nothing. Breaking a person’s spirit is the worst thing you can do to someone - for without spirit, there is no hope and no life inside… Life inside breathes life outside. If you are dead to the Spirit within, you are dead.

Where is our lesson in compassion, understanding and acceptance… when we learn these traits we can begin to love completely, love one another no matter what the reprimand... for love without end… breaths life!

Why do we mirror society so often… and why does society create so many rules. Why can’t we just be friends without guilt, worry, wonder of what everyone else around us might think. Why cant we just enjoy the moment and live life peacefully together, united in the spirit of oneness. Why do we create so many rules. So many justifications and unbreakable guidelines to define what exactly is “right” and what is really “wrong.”

Why can’t people move on and forgive. Why do we let things stir us up and create such hardship and hardness. Why do we allow ourselves to just sit and accrue the blame… when we are only one person… and blame belongs to all persons involved in any action and decision… Why do we hold on to these defective and harmful obsessive faults and allow them to overcome us till the very end… till we die. We all die, we move on, we live life – why do we make it so hard on ourselves while we are alive in the body, why can’t we just take a back seat and realize it is not about us, that there is a bigger more profound picture to everything… that encompasses all things as one.

Freedom?

Let it be… let it go… let love live… let love win… and just live this life… live in the moment… stop living for the future or the past… live in the moment. For we can’t take it back anyways and we certainly should not waste a single precious moment of the time that's left at hand…

So why can’t we just do it… just live in the moment… live in the surrounding love that encircles us all…

I see the delicate snowflakes floating by outside the window and I think of how peaceful it must be out there… how free that airy feeling of the snow falling in soft swirling patterns. What a wonderful peace. What a simple notion…

I search for stillness within... inside as it is outside… my spirit stirring in circles… trapping love within this shell of a body... i search for an opening... to just let it go...

- j. marshon

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Maggie's list of lil' reminders for a teenage heart




Maggie's list of lil' reminders for a teenage heart...
& things i need to remind myself of often too!!!
draft copy 2007© - j. marshon

... i love you mags! from one baby girl to another!!! ... godspeed sweetie! : )

1. Work hard at not judging others. Especially if you find yourself thinking certain people are below you—It is those people who often turn out to be your biggest supporters and help when you least expect–and need it the most.

2. Laugh often! Laughter is the 'sugar' of life.

3. Dance! Often and anywhere—especially in the morning when you are getting ready—it is the best way to kickoff a great day!

4. Slow dance. Especially with that special someone.

5. Have crushes! And, aim high! Having dreams is what life is all about.

6. Smile. It is seriously contagious.

7. Be a friend to everyone! It's the best reward you will receive from your high school years!

8. Get involved! Join as many clubs, sports, and organizations as you can that interest you. You'll meet great people and learn about yourself in the process. Start your freshman year and stick to it.

9. Try to not be the teacher's pet—but help teachers when you can—offer a sincere hand.

10. Walk in the rain on a warm summer day.

11. Enjoy nature every chance you can. It puts things into perspective when everything else seems to go haywire.

12. Cry when you have a broken heart. Rise above it and try to move beyond it. With all your might, try to not be resentful.

13. Be your own best friend.

14. Encounter people with kindness. The best way to get back at your enemies is with kindness, they will not know how to react.

15. Set a good example. For yourself most importantly!

16. Forgive yourself and others for your/their mistakes.

17. Join the Student Council and run for President.

18. Participate in school spirit—have FUN with it!

19. When you walk down the hall at school, look people in the eye, smile at them and say, "hi." Try to say their name. You will feel good about yourself and you may just make someone's day a little brighter.

20. People like to feel important and know that someone cares—be that someone!

21. Remember that "bad hair days" happen. Let it, except it, and get over it.

22. Remember your sense of humor. Pull it out when others hurt or upset you.

23. Forgive your enemies—no matter what.

24. Do your homework—it will alleviate a lot of headaches in the long run.

25. Have best friends—search hard, and pick them carefully. Enjoy their company and always stay in touch with each other.

26. Sing, talk, and speak up! Loud and often. You have a voice—let it be heard! Don't be afraid to use it!

27. Join school plays or musicals.

28. Develop your own "signature" sense of style.

29. Attend school games and sporting functions. Make sure to cheer on the home team!

30. Be the school's morning radio announcer and wake everyone up to a great day.

31. Take pictures! Lots of them! Round up a few friends and walk around school surprising other classmates. Take them on random days during the school year, not just at festive times. Email photos to others—even classmates you may not know very well. The memories captured on film are a moment in time you'll remember all your life.

32. Go to your junior and senior prom. If you don't have a date in mind or weren't asked, ask a foreign exchange student and go as friends so they can experience prom too.

33. Join the yearbook staff.

34. Take the long route to class to catch a glimpse or smile at your crush!

35. Have cool school gear. Choose a backpack, notebooks, pencils and other gadgets that are in sync with your personality.

36. Others will make fun of you and tease you! Rise above it. Remember that many times they are just trying to put you down in order for feel better about themselves.

37. Try to compliment three people a day. It'll make both you and them feel better about yourselves. Be sure you are sincere.

38. Rise to the challenge—no matter what it is!

39. Take an art class. Learn about the great artists and be able to identify their works.

40. Sing in the shower when you are getting ready for school.

41. Join the school band. Take a music appreciation course. Music is great and you never know how learning music will influence your life in the future. You may just turn out to be a 'Rock Star!'

42. Dream! And dream BIG!

43. Take college prep courses in high school. Take courses that will help to prepare you for college even if you are uncertain whether or not you are planning to go. You will get the most out of your high school education.

44. Join the track team. Be as good as you can. Have fun and challenge yourself. Down the road you will appreciate the talent of the participants in Summer Olympic Games even more.

45. Write poems—keep them in a special journal/notebook.

46. Help elders when they are in need!

47. Join the marching band. If you do not play an instrument, be a flag girl or majorette!

48. Attend summer camp(s). These experiences will stay with you forever.

49. Go swimming all year long at the school's indoor pool. Even if you are not on the swimming team—it is great fun and good exercise. Learn how to do a couple of really cool dives on the diving board and show off!

50. Try to organize what you plan to wear to school the night before. This will save you time getting ready the next morning.

51. Stand up for yourself!

52. Be careful with who you trust with important secrets. This is a tough one, but done with care, will save you a lot of heartache.

53. Accept others for their unique differences and for 'who they truly are.'

54. Choose friends that like you for who you truly are. Don't try to "put on a hat" in order to fit in to a specific clique. You know deep down where you belong and who you like to hang out with.

55. Read! Learn to enjoy the art of reading.

56. Pray!

57. Don't try to be someone or something you aren't—always be true to yourself!

58. Write your favorite poems, song lyrics and quotes on the covers of your school folders and notebooks. On days when you are not feeling focused, these readings will bring you back to reality and make you feel better.

59. Remember that life basically, "is what it is." So sometimes you just have to let it be.

60. Put up a corkboard in your room on the wall and pin up all of your favorite pictures and things.

61. Have a great hobby that gives you much joy!

62. Apply for college scholarships. There are many scholarships that go unclaimed because no one applied. Check with college financial student aid offices and find out about scholarships you can apply for. These scholarships are a nice ego booster and are very helpful to offset the costs of paying for college.

63. Collect something!

64. Make a tape, CD, or mp3 of all of your favorite songs and give a copy to your best friend.

65. Remember that most competitions are almost always only with yourself.

66. Try to be the nicest person you know.

67. Dress to shock! You will look great! If you feel that you look great, you do! Enjoy who you are and your fashion sense.

68. Stand by your beliefs. Stick by them—don't allow others to influence your true core beliefs!

69. Do the best possible job you can on your class projects—take a leadership role and do your best! You'll be proud of your results.

70. Attend Church! Get involved with youth groups.

71. Call home whenever you need a lift or advice.

72. If you find yourself in a compromising situation, take responsibility for yourself. Think about your actions and make the best judgment call. You'll have to live with the consequences of the choices you make.

73. Avoid restless people.

74. True friends will love you and cherish your friendship no matter what!

75. Go bowling with your friends.

76. Have slumber parties with your friends! Make so mores, tell ghost stories, watch movies, be dorky! You only live once!

77. Go to the beach with your friends.

78. Remember that others will let you down. It's tough. You need to just stick it out. You will get through it. It'll be ok. Everything works out in the long run!

79. Steer clear of troublemakers—they'll try to bring you down with them at all costs. Misery loves company!

80. You should never have to "try" to be someone's friend. Friendship is a natural step. If you're trying too much—it's probably not worth the effort.

81. Go ice skating and roller skating with your friends.

82. Stand up tall, straight and hold your head up—have faith in yourself!

83. Family trips are not uncool! It's time to spend with those who love you the most. Get to know them! You will grow up, move out, and move on with your life soon enough. Your "cool" friends will come and go, but your family will be there for you always.

84. Enjoy the time you have with your family—you will miss them terribly when they are gone.

85. Live "in the moment." Don't try to do to many things at the same time.

86. Listen to people when they are talking to you. Give them your focused attention. This is an important character trait that people will always appreciate, love, and remember you for.

87. Once in a while, rent movies with your family and enjoy making homemade popcorn on the stove. Make it even better by adding root beer floats.

88. Eat your favorite foods on your Birthday!

89. The average person only uses 5-10% of their brain. Use all 100%! Use it to the max! Live! Experience things! Learn! Ask questions! Push the envelope and yourself! There really is no limit!

90. Remember your grandparents and great grandparents. Write down your childhood memories of them.

91. Help/Volunteer at a local retirement home or soup kitchen. You'll gain a new perspective on things and life in general.

92. Listen to all kinds of music. Learn to appreciate it and really listen to good, uplifting lyrics.

93. Learn a foreign language or two.

94. Go on school trips abroad.

95. Have your picture taken as much as possible with your friends by the school yearbook photographers. It gives you a much better reason for purchasing the yearbook; and more places to personalize your messages when signing.

96. Staying "under the radar" is not an option!

97. Hold hands with that "special someone." Enter a courting relationship like you were in the early 1900's. You will really learn what it is like to "fall in love." Embrace your innocence and learn to love people wholeheartedly.

98. Have your mom or dad take pictures of you when your receive flowers or something special form a friend or boyfriend. Hold up your special gift and enjoy the moment.

99. Help others in need!

100. Decorate your school locker!

101. Do not be afraid to speak up or ask questions! Chances are there are others who have the same questions as you, but they are just too afraid to ask.

102. Take a chance! You may get a broken heart—but you won't have to live with the regret that you didn't try!

103. Show up! When you don't think you can do it—no matter what the task (class/event/competition)—Just show up! It's the minimum you can do. Chances are that others feel the same way. Some don't show up at all, some fail, some excel. What you'll find is that most of the time if you just show up, that is all you really needed to do. It's not as bad as you think!

104. Why be normal? Understand that "normal" is not necessarily a virtue, rather it denotes a lack of courage, passion, and determination to make a difference.

105. Chart your own path!

106. Learn to type properly.

107. Love deeply! (even if it breaks your heart!)

108. Have a journal, but be careful where you leave it. You may also want to lock it. Those thoughts are for your eyes only. Express yourself to yourself!

109. When someone disappoints you (because they will) remember that they are only human!

110. Live each day so that at the end of the day you can say to yourself, "I did the best that I could do."

111. Life is full of embarrassing moments—learn to graciously except it. You'll get over them faster.

112. Realize early that you cannot please everyone—focus on making the best of things for yourself and those you love.

113. Love yourself for the way that you are. Don't change for anyone but yourself.

114. Have strong convictions and fight hard for them!

115. Be respectful of elders, teachers, officers, and officials.

116. Live the "Golden Rule."

117. Try to not let other people's criticism get you down. This is a really tough one. Be strong, try to see things from their perspective, realize that they may have a point, or that they may just be wrong. Follow your inner voice.

118. Really celebrate your Birthday! Dress up, wear pins, eat cake!!! Enjoy the years as they float by!

119. Study! This is the time to do it! Try to enjoy the learning process. View it as using your brain and not as a burden. Knowledge fuels the soul. It's what makes us more interesting.

120. Try not to compare yourself to others—rise above it—be your own person. Be thankful for your own talents.

121. Try to get a good night sleep the night before an exam. Clarity always helps!

122. Why walk when you can run! Run for your goals!

123. Remember your first kiss and your first love. Write these experiences down on paper. Never forget the innocence and beauty of the moment.

124. Don't be afraid to hug people! Hugs are what make us caring human beings.

125. Remember your first date.

126. Trade class photos with your classmates every year and put them in photo albums. Share them with your classmates at your class reunions in the future. It's a hoot!

127. Say ,"Hi" to everyone who makes eye contact with you.

128. Walk with a purpose.

129. Try to have as many people sign your yearbook as possible. Read their comments for a laugh and to learn something about yourself from another's point of view. Save a whole page for your best friend and ask them to write something special for you!

130. Sign the back of your school photos. Address them to the person you are giving it to and write a small and sincere message to them.

131. Fall in love at first sight.

132. Go on blind dates with other couples. (but take money just in case your date is a doornob and you have to pay for your own dinner!)

133. On Valentine's Day send a flower to someone who would never expect it, or to someone less fortunate than you. Sign it, "someone who thinks you are special."

134. Look up, and look people in the eye when you're speaking to them.

135. Have photos taken of you and your date from prom, homecoming and special dances.

136. Participate in car washes and other school fundraisers that involve the community.

137. Help decorate for school dances and parades.

138. Look forward to waking up every day and going to school. Make your high school years the most fun you can.

139. It's true—these are the days you'll remember!

140. Don't worry about your weight and dieting—you are NOT as large as you think you are. Food is not the enemy, but don't overdo it either. Everything in moderation.

141. Introduce yourself to new students and foreign exchange students. You may meet a new friend and you will make them feel more at ease.

142. When finishing a semester, tell your teachers that you appreciated learning from them. Be sincere.

143. In your homeroom on the first day of class, sit next to someone that you don't know and talk to them. It will east the tension of starting a new semester and who knows, you may just be sitting by your new best friend for life!

144. Share and offer assistance, but don't let others take advantage of you.

145. Realize that everyone at sometime or another has "bad days." be a spark of encouragement whenever possible.

146. Make others feel important.

147. Make homemade cards for your friends' birthdays!

148. If you don't understanding something in class, make a point to meet with the teacher to clarify your questions. They will be glad to help, and will appreciate your genuine interest to learn. Plus, that's their job!

149. Make special gifts for your friends at Christmastime (holidays). My favorite—rice crispy treats shaped like giant Hershey's Kisses wrapped in tinfoil.

150. Eat lunch outside on a warm spring or fall day.

151. Make homemade pizza with your family and friends.

152. Steer clear of bullies—avoid them at all costs!

153. If you come upon an upset/crying classmate, ask them, "Are you ok?" or, "Can I help?" Show concern for others, never ignore them. They could be going through something very difficult. Even if they don't want your help, be the person who offers.

154. Don't be to quick to jump to rash conclusions. Get the facts and choose your course of action carefully.

155. Don't allow yourself to be bullied! Stand up for yourself! Fight back if you have to, but fight fair!

156. Have summer jobs. The cash will come in handy!

157. Remember that you are never alone! There are plenty of others in your boat and there is usually always a life raft nearby.

158. Apologize to others when you hurt them.

159. Learn to read music.

160. Memorize some of your favorite poems and recite them often.

161. Try to choose school paper report project topics that you are genuinely interested in. It makes doing the work more interesting and worthwhile.

162. Brush your teeth, wash your face, and don't forget face lotion—take care of your skin—really! Your skin will thank you at age 35.

163. Wear your favorite color for your school pictures.

164. Wear a really fun outfit the last day of class each year, and have fun with your locker mate when cleaning your locker. You'll be surprised the things you will find. Have your camera ready!

165. Participate in your high school art show—display your favorite pieces.

166. Choose a favorite fragrance and make it your signature scent.

167. Have your camera handy for special times (last day of class, senior trip, band camp, games, etc.) Ask others to take pictures of you with your friends.

168. It's good to splurge on Fridays. Have a giant Chocolate Chip Cookie and share it with your friends.

169. Write an article and submit it to be published in the school paper or a popular magazine.

170. Win awards! Try for the Student of the Month, the Outstanding Player! Just go for it! Soak up the glory!

171. Get your best friend a birthday cake on their birthday and share it with others at lunch!

172. Have a pet! A kitty or puppy is the best medicine when you feel down.

173. Let go of resentment—it will only end up hurting you in the long run.

174. Remember that life is not always fair! Just do your best, play fair, and it will be right with your soul.

175. Do all you can to get ahead in the game! But, do it without cheating or lying!

176. Try to see and recognize the difference between true friends and fair-weather friends. You will suffer less heartbreak.

177. Have a lot of friends, but be best friends with a select few. Appreciate all of their different qualities and characteristics.

178. Try different cultural foods and learn about other cultures. After all you live in "the melting pot." Be open and accepting of other people's cultural backgrounds and beliefs. Try not to be judgmental.

179. Get wild and be crazy, but know your boundaries and limitations.

180. Laugh until you cry!

181. Laugh until you pee your pants!

182. Laugh so much and so often that you experience that "when food comes out your nose" laugh.

183. Try new sports. Tennis, racquetball, volleyball, skiing, golf or softball. Try to learn and play a number of different sports to get an understanding for the skills required and an appreciation of the game.

184. Take "time-outs" when studying.

185. Talk on the telephone with your friends! Talk! Talk! Talk!

186. Begin each semester with a fresh start. Get new folders/notebooks for each class. Gear up, get organized! A fresh start makes a good foundation to build upon.

187. Draw pictures and writings of your favorite things on your notebook covers. P.S. Don't forget your name.

188. Each night, try to focus more on your studies than what's on TV. You will have years to watch TV down the road. And you will always be able to catch good re-runs. But, you can't go back and redo bad grades.

189. Volunteer to help with community projects.

190. Be book smart and people smart.

191. Practice! It is true—Practice makes perfect! Strive for perfection, but realize you do not HAVE TO BE perfect!

192. Pull up your boot straps!

193. Encourage your classmates/teammates, even when they are your biggest competition. Be genuine.

194. When filling out evaluations on classmates for reports/presentations, find at lease three good things to say. Try not to criticize or condemn them, the teacher knows what their pros and cons are. Getting criticism from classmates is much harder to take than from a teacher.

195. Praise other classmates and friends in public.

196. Make a difference in at least one person's life.

197. When completing teacher evaluations, be honest. Write their pros and document their cons only if you have a substantial reason. Don't condemn them if you have a grudge against them—be fair.

198. Draw pictures and sketches of your favorite things. This is where your passion lives!

199. Stop worrying what others think of you. Focus more on what you think of yourself—That's all that really counts!

200. Live for yourself not for what others want of you; or think you should live for.

201. Love your siblings. They look up to you the most.

202. Be kind to children. They idolize older youth. Set an honorable example for them to follow.

203. Compile a scrapbook for every year of high school. It will become one of your most cherished possessions.

204. Do stuff with you siblings—be their friend and hero. Stand up for them no matter what.

205. Whenever you get your photo in the local newspaper, clip it out and save the article. Save all of your newspaper clippings—big or small—and put them in a special binder. These are your glory days!

206. Join the Youth Corps for a summer.

207. Earn your varsity letter in a sport and have it applied to a varsity jacket.

208. Get a high school class ring that fits your personality.

209. Strive to be on the Honor Roll every semester.

210. When others are talking negative about another classmate, resist the urge to join in on the gossip. Instead, find something nice to say about the person being criticized and the conversation should change. If you cannot say something nice—don't say anything at all.

211. Participate in school talent shows.

212. Smile for the camera—don't be camera shy!

213. Determine your favorite beverage, candy bar, cake and ice cream flavor. Decide what your signature tastes and preferences are.

214. Participate in water-balloon fights.

215. Take a CPR course and get certified.

216. Wear clothes that make a statement about who you are.

217. Shop at thrift stores. Support the Salivation Army and find some unique things to add to your wardrobe.

218. Get your picture taken with your best friend at a photo booth. Make funny faces for the instant pictures.

219. Do a Chinese Fire Drill with your friends.

220. Take road trips—especially to the beach.

221. Get a makeover by a professional make-up artist. Have them show you how to apply makeup and determine what colors work best with your skin tone.

222. Take care of your face. Wash, moisturize, and oxy! Try to never burn it in the sun (cover your face with sunscreen and wear spf based foundation and lotion).

223. Have fun jewelry.

224. Make your own jewelry and friendship bracelets with your friends.

225. Try to eat veggies and fruit as often as possible, but enjoy fast food on occasion too. Remember, everything in moderation!

226. Learn how to style your hair like a professional.

227. Respect the environment.

228. Be the designated driver.

229. Go prom dress shopping with your mom. Make it a special day trip and take your little sister with you. Try on lots of dresses and have fun!

230. Always try to get the perfect close-up parking space. But, if there are none available don't be disappointed. Think of it as getting exercise by walking—yes, it's actually good for you.

231. Learn how to play a variety of card games.

232. Go sledding with your family and friends in the winter.

233. TP (Toilet Paper) someone's house for fun. Not out of spite, but out of fun and good spirit!

234. Go Trick-Or-Treating with your friends. Get really dressed up! Have fun with it! Soon enough you will be WAY to old for that kind of stuff!

235. Respect other people's privacy.

236. Take career placement tests to get an idea of what your career interests are.

237. Take the stairs instead of the elevators whenever possible.

238. Laugh at yourself! Have a way-positive attitude and a great sense of humor toward life and yourself.

239. Be a survivor!

240. Surround yourself with people, friends, and family who love and support you.

241. Have pride in yourself. There are secrets to making a person fall in love with you. Get to know them first. Wait and/or resist engaging in PDA (public display of affection). There really is no need to rush into things—you are only in high school. If you have respect in yourself, the boys will have more respect for you. Demand it! And remember, no one wants a girl who does not think positive of herself!

242. Be independent.

243. Be energetic.

244. Be confident.

245. Never, never, never give up!

246. Exercise.

247. Drink water. It helps your complexion and fills you up.

248. Try to not be upset by negative comments. Realize that things you take to heart now will not be as important to you down the road. Often the things you think are important now are absolutely meaningless later.

249. If you're ever defeated, force yourself to rise above it.

250. It's ok to be the underdog. Remember most people are rooting for the underdog.

251. When you take trips with your friends and family and feel the need to get the "perfect shot" of some attraction, make sure you take pictures with your family or friends in the picture. When you look back at the photos, you will cherish the ones with your loved ones more than the "perfect scenery" snap shot.

252. Be an over-achiever.

253. Don't try so hard to find love. It's true! When you least expect it the most, then true love will find you.

254. Be daring.

255. Be loyal.

256. Be honest.

257. Don't let anyone pressure you to do something you don't want to do. "No" really means "No!"

258. Be sentimental.

259. Be old fashioned.

260. Make a point to clean your room spic-n-span on Christmas Eve. You'll love waking up to such a clean room to put your new Christmas treasures in!

261. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself for who you are—embrace your uniqueness!

262. Friends will come and go. It will be hard, but you will have to say goodbye to a select few because of personal differences. Be brave, don't befriend, but let go if your beliefs are too different from theirs. Always be there for them, even if you grow apart. Be a constant in their life.

263. Remember that all things in this life are temporary. Try to keep your eyes and heart focused on the eternal. That is what matters most.

264. Be sweet.

265. Be cool and calm.

266. Love WILL save the day, and, love IS all you need! LOVE WINS!

267. Above all, remember that God has a plan for you. No matter what, He is always there for you. Have faith and believe in this promise!

268. Play to win. To do this play hard and play fair. You may not always come out on top, but you will know what it is like to be a winner.

269. Be kind to people, especially when you don't feel like it. This is a hard one, but important!

270. Try to always have faith in others. Most importantly always have in yourself and in GOD.

271. Wear funny pajamas and socks to bed!

272. Wear your superhero undies!

273. Don't worry so much about the future. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Life has a unique way of working itself out. And worry is just a waste of your precious time!

274. Savor "moments" and take a mental picture of special moments. They are the stones of your memory path in life.

275. Love deeply and whole heartedly!

276. Ride bikes with your friends.

277. Join your school or community choir.

278. Read and memorize Bible scripture. You will be really surprised how much this will be a comfort and joy in times you least expect it.

279. Live each day with a clear conscious and no regrets.

280. All things happen for a reason. God has a plan for everything. And, all things happen when they are supposed to. You do not have control over everything.

281. Write a love song and a love poem.

282. Love people for who they are. Accept them at face value and never try to make them into someone you think they "should" be. You can never really change someone from being who they truly are. Love them regardless.

283. Be on time for events, meetings, etc.

284. Be creative.

285. Don't blame others for your problems. Have the courage to face up to them and fix them yourself.

286. Only you can make yourself truly happy.

287. Go on a hayride in the fall with your friends.

288. Grow something in a garden. Fruit, veggies or flowers. Watch the fruit of your labor grow.

289. Shop till you drop!

290. Go to amusement parks with your friends and family. Ride the roller coasters with your arms in the air.

291. Be a participant in a parade and wave at the people watching.

292. Go camping and canoeing in the woods. The great outdoors does wonders for the soul.

293. Watch classic movies. You will get the "butt" of many jokes that reference them. Also, enjoy them for their beautiful nature and timeless brilliance. One of my favorites: "It's a wonderful life."

294. Find peace in the details of life.

295. Take time to really "see" the horizon, sky, fields, roads, paths, flowers, and live all around you. Breath it in.

296. Search your heart for what you truly want to be and go for it.

297. Before exams and tests, say a little prayer to God. Don't forget to thank Him afterwards too.

298. Always believe in yourself! You are beautiful and capable of anything you set your mind to!

299. Always remember that everyone has a story that will break your heart. Be compassionate to others.

300. Don't get obsessed about your weight and don't weigh yourself every day. Worrying about your weight is fruitless and only causes more problems.

301. Be who your are and live your life for more than just being someone who tries to please everyone else.

302. Life is not perfect, so don't think that you have to be.

303. Don't be too quick to jump on the band wagon; try to figure out where it is going first!

304. Always remember the feeling of twirling around as a little kid!

305. Never loose the light of your inner child. Hold on to it like it is the most valuable thing you own.

306. Be childlike in spirit. It is the path to heaven.

307. Remember one good deed on your behalf has the power to change someone else's life forever.

308. Set goals for yourself. Do your best at achieving them.

309. Be well-rounded; smart, caring and outgoing.

310. Live your life so that when others think of you, they think of goodness and kindness.

311. Help those less fortunate than you.

312. Be someone that others can depend on.

313. Be true to your word.

314. Try new hair styles and hair cuts.

315. Paint your toenails and fingernails fun and bright colors.

316. Be part of the school dance committees.

317. Never be afraid to admit your mistakes.

318. Apologize when you have hurt someone or you were wrong. It is only hardest when you admit to it, but then your heart is transformed!

319. Show respect for other peer's parents and grandparents.

320. Never judge your friends by their homes or their family members' behavior.

321. Don't judge people based on other's gossip. Give everyone a fair chance from the ground up.

322. Try to find something positive or kind in every person you meet.

323. Live for today!

324. Go on hiking trips–learn to appreciate the beauty of nature and all the essence all abound.

325. Lay on the ground and stare at the clouds. Try to make out shapes and compare them with what your friends see.

326. Close your eyes and listen to classical music–learn how to appreciate classical music. Bach is my favorite!

327. Take an art class. You will find beauty in many things, by studying art and seeing beauty through the eyes of others.

328. Remember, Jesus died so that you can live. Live this life to the fullest!

329. Tell your mom and dad every now and then that you love them, give them a big hug and a kiss on the cheek!

330. Learn the constellations and be able to identify them in a clear night sky.

331. Be as you are!

332. Wear fun shoes!

333. Love the shoes you are in!

love wins sweetie... love always wins!
~ auntie jill

the life of the party






the life of the party


yap… that’s me… the life of the party… weather I want to be or not… it just happens… just comes naturally…

a good friend of my brother’s recently said to me following an evening out… “we’re not mad at you for mingling around and meeting other people… it’s just that we like to have you mingling among us… by us… next to us… celebrating with us… we like to have you around us…

i asked, “why… why so much have me around… i’m loud… crazy, silly and somewhat obnoxious at times… and, other times i just want to be in the background… sometimes i want to go totally unnoticed… sometimes I want to just wander off and find some interesting soul to talk with and share stories… someone to find a spark of inspiration in…”

he replied, “you can not possibly go unnoticed… that will not happen… because you are the life of the party… it isn’t the same without you around… you make us smile and laugh… you are the center of attention… the core… the element… weather you choose to be or not… you just are…”

I’m both a little appreciative and troubled by those words… because sometimes i do want to just be in the background… that isn’t how it works though does it…

i’m “that” girl/guy… you know… the one who breaks the awkward silence… the one that steps out there just a little further than everyone else… that one who risks total persecution… total belittlement… rejection… but also the one who risks and relishes in total resilience… total fun… total recognition… it’s all parity for the role…

the person who you poke fun at and giggle about behind their back… but then admire and pawn after for their wit and humor… the person that everyone doesn’t want there at the party; but secretly prays and hopes will be there…
… because i take the burden of social anxiety off everyone else… it just happens naturally…

I could choose to reject society and not partake… or risk the inevitable; both be loved and hated for being the extrovert…

… when really… what you really don’t know… is that I am often at times the complete introvert… funny how life is that way… funny how that defines and sums up who actually is…
… the life of the party…

so be it…
… i am whatever you say i am...
be as you are…

love wins!

~ j. marshon

first comes love... then comes marriage... then...




First comes love… then comes marriage… than comes babies in the M-Class???


What happened…

It was all going perfectly accordingly to plan…

first came love... great love... a love unknown before then...
... then marriage...

... mulder and scully at the auto show... visiting the mercedes vip lounge... viewing the first m-class... it was just a seemingly natural step at that time... no questions at all littered thought... no doubts.. the diamond ring sparkling brighter; as never before... newlyweds...

everything was perfect... especially perfect from the perspective of looking in from the outside of the McMansion…
then came...

… the lucrative high paying career, McMansion in the pompous Lansing subdivision located on the outer banks of the grand river… the seemingly perfect marriage…

then... it… just… all... went to hell…

Just like that!

It began with a crossed line… did he or she cross it first… good question...

A beautiful life… or was it… neglect, abuse, overindulgence…

He lost the job that he seemingly loved more than her… she lost her grandmother… then job… hope in the whole plan... the notion of the M-Class (a good thing)... and the general ability to live in this world for what it is…
Shit happens… and it was shitting cats and dogs everywhere!

The world caved in…

It was all on schedule… but, who’s schedule… God had a different plan… and He is still working on it… seven years later… where do we go from here... another good question...

I wonder...
... lost here in limbo

we continue to linger...



linger; cranberries

If you, if you could return, don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade.

I’m sure I’m not being rude, but it’s just your attitude,
It’s tearing me apart, It’s ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her(his) hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I’m in so deep. You know I’m such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn’t be so confused and I wouldn’t feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I’m in so deep. You know I’m such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

And I’m in so deep. You know I’m such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

You know I’m such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

thanksgiving of senses



Thanksgiving…

I think of my life… this year has been a year of desperately searching for thanks… and finding thanks in the smallest and unexpected places and people… funny how life is in that way… I am thankful for the people that introduce and bring much laughter and depth to my life… mostly, unexpanded people who have done this… and for that I am extremely grateful… I am grateful for the strong and unconditional love of family... my true best friends who hang in there with me and encourage me to keep going… my sister and jenny for what blesses my soul (music and unconditional friendship)… and those people who have served as a reminder of how important family truly is… you know who you are…

… living in a different place, in a small space not of my own… in the absence of all of my accumulated things collected over the years… and things like my grandmothers paintings that I often sought solitude in… they are all not here where my current dwelling resides… so I’ve lived without a lot of amenities, memories, and things that I cherished so much throughout my life thus far…

Things I am grateful to have had in my life... things that I didn’t necessarily take for granted... just things that made me deeply moved and grounded... things I don’t have anymore and miss terribly... for these beautiful things I give thanks... even in a time of loss and surrender... as they become a faded memory...

But, more so than things...

I miss mostly the essence of sounds, sights, smells, and touch... things that truly impacted my soul...

I miss the sound...

Of November gales… how the wind used to come off lake Michigan in the loudest roars… a sound of awe and strength… like a deep cry of loss… so far away… so hard… so sad…

Barges off the shore... the blow of the foghorn on a still morning… so hallowing and stirring…

The coast guard helicopters as they pass by enroot to their saving assignment or next station…

Or the sweet swoosh of a fighter jet stream across the sky just off the lake shore on a practice round…

The faint sound of the neighbor dogs from the kennel along the way…

The doves and birds in the wintertime enjoying the bird food I placed outside for them…

The neighbor’s wind chimes in the fall breeze…

The howl of Lake Michigan at night from a nor eastern gale…

The trains making their way supplying coal to consumer’s energy… with the mere knowledge and task of keeping people warm and safe in their homes…

I miss the sight…

Of the Holland and grand haven lighthouses as I stroll along the coastline…

The beautiful blue jays stealing the squirrels’ peanuts…

The black squirrels scrimmaging and hiding the nuts in preparation for winter…

The cardinals that litter the freshly snow covered trees surrounding the house…

The stillness of Lake Michigan after a hard snowfall with the dead silent calm that follows…

The stillness and comfort of snow covered sand dunes…

The sound of the neighbors laughter following a holiday celebration… as they bid farewell to their guests…

I miss the smell…

Of Lake Michigan on a beautiful summer morning…

The pine trees lining the drive…

The candles I would purchase and strategically place throughout the house to celebrate special year festivities in special remembrance…

Fresh cooked dinners and deserts prepared for a special holiday dinner in the double ovens… always made me feel so Martha Stewart… so safe and happy…

BBQing all year round… the linger of the marinate in the refrigerator…

The scent of kitties fur after I burrow my nose in their soft neck fur and breath them in…

I miss the feel…

Of Lake Michigan’s water on my skin while jumping in first thing in the morning for a quick refreshing rinse after running… or late at night in the darkness of moonlight…

The kitties love rubs around my feet and legs in the morning while making breakfast and coffee…

The love rubs on my face from the kitties as I wake up on the weekend sleeping in each morning

The perfect bubble bath… loaded with scented bubbles ad the jets streaming alongside my skin…

The high thread count soft, silky sheets after a fresh wash and bleaching… so comfy!

My fury blankets curled up on the couch by the fireplace…

The feel of the fireplace on my skin as I napped with the kitties for hours on a weekend afternoon…

The feel of solitude and silence in ;my back room den…

The pure and unconditional love of Spirit surrounding me in that round house… constant motion…

My senses are lacking the loss of the love I had in the house I used to call home… searching for a new home now… I am thankful that I have the strength to go on and relish in the moments and memories and move forward to experience all things new…

Amen.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

seek up to live a humble existence


seek up

ok... back to the profile song blogging bit again... obviously music is something that encompasses me... something i love that i can write about... something that inspires me... i try for the most part to work and live… don't necessarily work to live and definitely don't live to work...

seek up... living without

life happens… living without doesn't so much in this country at times…

… ever try living without all of the modern conveniences we have grown so accustomed to in our everyday lives? try going without internet connection for a weekend. try going without cable for a month… try going without tv for a week… it is not very easy… and the internet thing… not having it at my fingertips on the weekend makes me want to just about pull all of my hair out!!! it's just terrible… but… there are far worst things that could be lacking in this life!!!

since living out in no mans land i've pondered these thoughts and then some… living without all my things… having only "the essentials" with me… I no longer have access to the things I cherished and possessed… or, should I say... possessed me?

… without going into massive regurgitation mode… simply put… I've gone through many changes over the past year and have learned to go without "all my stuff"… I've learned to live without a lot of things I'd taken for granted of for many years… but, what it comes down to... what I've learned... is that I really don't need all of those "things" in life to be happy… when it comes RIGHT down to it – I don't need anything actually – BUT the love of family, great friends and my sweet pets…

I realize how materialistic I have been weaned to believe I needED to be through the years growing up a product of the crazy eighties… a time when we were REMINDED constantly of the things we needed thanks to the surge of massive advertising and marketing… we had tv, radio and other media to remind us always of the things we needed in order to be cool… better…thinner…tanner… richer… I remember reading slogans from my teenager times… how selfish are these… yeah, let's put them on word tees!
"you can never be too tan, rich, or thin."

another… "whoever dies with the most things, wins."

… I say to that… WHAT?

How do you win if you die with things and not love? If you are too tan, rich or thin… you're on the path to death anyway…

Really, think about it… how selfish and ridiculous…

in college I was trained to seek the mighty dollar… what about peace, accomplishments, good for others? The carrot dangling in front of all of us was money… you will get a job and make money… It was all about the money… aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
... now years later… I've had "the" job… made the money… lived in the McMansion in the crowded subdivision among the other McMansions… WHO REALLY CARED!!! It didn't make me happier, feel more successful, or bring me peace… sure it looked good… but who cares???

Thank God, I was able to move from the McMansion to a beach cottage… AND now… I am pretty much homeless! It is crazy… but each time I eliminate more "things" from my life, the happier and more at peace I am… and, really when it all comes down to it... we can't take any of it with us... ashes to ashes... dust to dust... it is vital to know our true importance in this life... so... isn't love, above all else, all that is important...
... a career choice… I really believe that if you seek something to do in life that can help and work for the good of others and yourself; something that you enjoy doing; something that helps you believe in yourself... and if you seek reward in self accomplishments and solitude… wealth will follow... both monetarily and non-monetarily!

my 2 cents for the day... : )

love wins! it really does! love always wins!

~ jill


the acoustic version of this song is absolutely beautiful ~

seek up; dave matthews and tim reynolds

sometimes I feel like I'm falling
fall back again, fall back again,
fall back again, fall back again

oh, life it seems a struggle between what we see and what we do
well I'm not going to change my ways just to please you or appease you
Inside a crowd, five billion proud, willing to punch it out
right, wrong, weak, strong, ashes to ashes all fall down
oh, look around about this round about, this merry-go-round and around
well If at all God's gaze upon us falls, it's with a mischievous grin, look at Him

forget about the reasons and the treasons we are seeking
forget about the notion that our emotions can be swept away
forget about being guilty we are innocent instead
for soon we will all find our lives swept away

late at night with TV's hungry child, his belly swells
oh, for the price of a coke or a smoke, i could keep alive those hungry eyes
take a look at me, what you see in me, mirror look at me, face it all again

forget about the reasons and the treasons we are seeking
forget about the notion that our emotions can be kept at bay
forget about being guilty we are innocent instead
for soon we will all find our lives swept away

you seek up an emotion and your cup is overflowing
you seek up on emotion, sometimes your well is dry
you seek up a big monster for him to fight your wars for you
but when he finds his way to you, the devil's not going, "ha ha, ha ha"

(say, oh say)

oh look at me in my fancy car and my bank account
oh, how I wish I could take it all down into my grave, God knows I'd save and save
man, take a look again, take a look again, things you have collected
well in the end piles up so tall, to one big nothing, one big nothing at all

forget about the reasons and the treasons we are seeking
forget about the notion that our emotions can be swept away
intentions are not wicked, don't be tricked into thinking so
and soon we will all find our lives swept away

you seek up an emotion and your cup is overflowing
you seek up an emotion, sometimes your well is dry
you seek up a big monster for him to fight your wars for you
but when he finds his way to you, the devil's not going, "ha ha, ha ha"

fall back again,
fall back again
fall back again,
fall back again...