Wednesday, November 19, 2008

This Too Shall Pass




"This Too Shall Pass."

This year has been a very difficult time for me… well the last three years have much to be desired as a matter of fact. But, how long… how long will this continue to go on… I question myself. It becomes more severe as the days gain headway toward the holidays… another year in limbo… another year, no decorations, no faith, no joy to share with that special someone… I begin to sink into another depressive state… the likes of that which I haven’t allowed myself to fall victim to since earlier this year…

I spent the last week at my “home.” The house I designed and built with my ex-husband on the shores of Lake Michigan. It was wonderful to relax and be so free at home for that time. I knew this depression would follow… but I stayed there none the less with my pets and all too familiar surroundings. There is no way to prepare for the let down… the inevitable…

Reminded in my final day... repeatedly... that...
I CHOSE to leave that home…
I CHOSE to sign off on the house…
I CHOSE to give it all up…

I remind myself that i should CHOOSE to separate myself from there forever…

Last night, after struggling through the fourth day of a severe migraine headache in lieu of the separation from home and hearth …I recalled this quote;
“This too shall pass…”

There is so much loaded in those four words…

I returned to the temporary clutches of the dark, dreary, den of inequity that I dwell in… my parents lower level basement… back to retreat in the catacomb of life that I now know, and that my ex-husband is more than pleased to remind me of… my CHOICE… it was my choice to make… which now makes me more anxious and depressed… I vow once again, to not return to the beach house that was once my own…

My cat, Solomon immediately takes his place underfoot as I am welcomed home by his vociferous meows and buzzing body… encircling my feet… he makes me anxious… I can hardly walk down the hallway without tripping over him… he senses the depression… lays on me the first night, almost smothering my face… he cannot seem to get close enough to me… he loves me unconditionally… and I push him away because I am so sad, and feel so unlovable… although I know all he is trying to do it take away my sadness, pain and depression… all he is trying to do is tell me four little words…

“This too shall pass…”

I Corinthians 10:12 ~ King Solomon once searched for a cure against depression. He assembled his wise men together. They meditated for a long time and gave him the following advice: Make yourself a ring and have thereon engraved the words "This too shall pass." The King carried out the advice. He had the ring made and wore it constantly. Every time he felt sad and depressed, he looked at the ring, whereon his mood would change and he would feel cheerful.

Many may recall this phrase as used by Abraham Lincoln. He went through what would be the darkest period in the entire US history when both sides of his own soldiers were killing each other, in tens of thousands. Every passing day, he said to himself, “This too shall pass.”

It is also said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!

The quote, in itself, is simple… The true wisdom found in its straightforward meaning and personal declaration.

Maktub! This too... shall pass...

~ j. marshon

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Living Out Loud



Living Out Loud

"I got my indignation, but I’m pure in all my thoughts… I’m alive…" E. Vedder

I live out loud… I live in the moment… it is God breathed choice. Please refrain from trying to ‘sush’ me… I will not be silent. I live much of my life trying to embrace my inner child… embracing the moment at hand and my surroundings. I get excited and amused by the ‘little’ things. I’m not rude, I just tend to be filled with a childlike awe. I refuse to act like an ‘adult’ just because you and/or society deem it so to be… deem it so, just because we attain a specific age, level or societal status.

We spend a good majority of our lives being ‘shushed’ by others. To some it is a control issue, others it is just that they don’t want to hear you – they are too wrapped up in themselves; and then there are others who don’t want to hear anything – they just want to be disclosed from as much as possible all together. That is not how I choose to live my life. I live out loud. I’m not obnoxious, just passionate and happy most of the time. I embrace the excitement of the moment and relish in the joy and positive chi that surrounds me. I apologize if this makes you uncomfortable, but I don’t apologize for being who I am.

I refuse to live a simple, quite existence.

I’ve been shushed way too many times… but, never by my parents…. They know who I am and do not limit me to expected mannerisms stigmatic of society’s norm. I can move… I can sit somewhere else… I will find different friends to hang out with… if I make you that uncomfortable. Why can’t you just accept me at face value? Yes, I am aware that I am loud at times… but I am also very quite and reserved most of the time.

What you don’t know… is that I actually don’t hear perfectly. A few years back I fell on a rock and was diagnosed with a severe concussion that caused equilibrium and balance problems. Earlier that same year, I had multiple visits to the doctor for unusual growths located in my inner ears. They wanted to operate and take them out, but I did not want to risk my hearing then… I am certain I don’t hear 100% perfectly. So, there is actual proof and truth to why I may be a bit louder than others in general… but I am not making this an excuse at all!!! Nope, I choose to live out loud, and not be and/or act like a mouse just because you might find my zest and youthfulness to be annoying at times.

Why do people care so much what others think about them? Do you realize that most people don’t even THINK about you AT ALL… nope, not even for a second? I know so many of my friends and family who always want everyone to be quiet… sushhhhhh. Most of these individuals have MAJOR control issues! I wish they could learn to just, ‘let it go.’ They are always so worried about what people will say, or worst… ‘think’ about them… When in reality, most people do not have a single thought about them. They don’t make the slightest impact on what other people think most of the time!

I know this, because I was once exactly like them… a ultra major control freak. I had to have everything and everyone in check. This behavior led to the destruction of my spirit, anxiety and depression. I vow to not allow myself be effected by anything and anyone so severely ever again. I mean think about it??? Who cares? Who really cares? I am very accepting of others because of this. I do have my moments of criticism though... I am human just like everyone else. But, I strive to be accepting, neutering, childlike in nature… so I can experience every moment of this life without holding back. This is how I choose to live in a land of freedom... how i truly receive the most from life in fastidious moments and surroundings… by being myself, being completely myself… my occasional goofy, funny, silly, happy, bold, elusive, live out loud self. :)

I am who I am… be as you are.

Love wins!

~ j. marshon

Thursday, November 13, 2008

someone... please turn the lights back on?



Power Outage!

Light is gone… high winds have knocked the power lines out... so common for this time of year along the lake shore...

nope… tv show is not available tonight on this must see tv night. you must acquire and acclaim your own amusement and wit this evening...

I sit here in the dark now… contemplating my life and wasted days that have passed me by… reminded of my failures and under sights... are you still house-sitting? My sister txt me…

yes… at MY house… this house… that WAS once my own…

I sit in front of the amazing architecture and framing of the adoring fireplace that I alone designed… it’s intricate simple beauty… my paintings, my plants, my custom stainless kitchen just off to the left… I am surrounded in what was… what could have been... if I could have just remained a slave to it all… I think… why do I do this to myself… why do I deem it so important to hold on in comfort for myself and ex husband… for what/who is to benefit from such action???

I am enlightened, serene, sad, happy, and utterly depressed by my surroundings…
no resistance to fall further into a depressive state of loss and unattained dreams…
I continue reading Hemingway… and realize… I am not alone on this venture.
I love how Hem describes people in intricate detail… and how he can articulate the taste of foods with superb brilliance! … I wish someone could have told me… to never follow a lucrative meritage with a semi-fine zin… eww. It’s true… You do actually get what you pay for when it comes to a bottle of wine!!! … man… the meritage… was beautiful… an indulgence perhaps only the likes of Hemingway could truly appreciate!!!

I'm so misunderstood... so… misconstrued am i… if you take me at face value… you will miss my true beauty and profundity! I am quite never what most people expect… my shell is ultra hard coated… my love pure but my being quite volatile.

I often feel so misplaced in this world among everyone else...

I’m overcome… I want to cry… but do not allow myself to fall victim to it… my dreams have been nothing but contrary… filled with ‘I told you so’s.” and “you should have’s.” makes me feel a bit like puking right about now!!! Life isn’t that transparent to me… as it is with so many…

Then… there's the kid thing… "You don’t have any… you don’t understand…”
… then, why can I write lullabies’ more beautiful than any other with child??? That’s a good question?

Lights back on now…

I can see clearly again…

I am so lost…

~ j. marshon

Friday, November 7, 2008

spirit within




Each of us is so powerful in our own understanding…

We have the ability to build others up so high or break them down to nothing. Breaking a person’s spirit is the worst thing you can do to someone - for without spirit, there is no hope and no life inside… Life inside breathes life outside. If you are dead to the Spirit within, you are dead.

Where is our lesson in compassion, understanding and acceptance… when we learn these traits we can begin to love completely, love one another no matter what the reprimand... for love without end… breaths life!

Why do we mirror society so often… and why does society create so many rules. Why can’t we just be friends without guilt, worry, wonder of what everyone else around us might think. Why cant we just enjoy the moment and live life peacefully together, united in the spirit of oneness. Why do we create so many rules. So many justifications and unbreakable guidelines to define what exactly is “right” and what is really “wrong.”

Why can’t people move on and forgive. Why do we let things stir us up and create such hardship and hardness. Why do we allow ourselves to just sit and accrue the blame… when we are only one person… and blame belongs to all persons involved in any action and decision… Why do we hold on to these defective and harmful obsessive faults and allow them to overcome us till the very end… till we die. We all die, we move on, we live life – why do we make it so hard on ourselves while we are alive in the body, why can’t we just take a back seat and realize it is not about us, that there is a bigger more profound picture to everything… that encompasses all things as one.

Freedom?

Let it be… let it go… let love live… let love win… and just live this life… live in the moment… stop living for the future or the past… live in the moment. For we can’t take it back anyways and we certainly should not waste a single precious moment of the time that's left at hand…

So why can’t we just do it… just live in the moment… live in the surrounding love that encircles us all…

I see the delicate snowflakes floating by outside the window and I think of how peaceful it must be out there… how free that airy feeling of the snow falling in soft swirling patterns. What a wonderful peace. What a simple notion…

I search for stillness within... inside as it is outside… my spirit stirring in circles… trapping love within this shell of a body... i search for an opening... to just let it go...

- j. marshon

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Maggie's list of lil' reminders for a teenage heart




Maggie's list of lil' reminders for a teenage heart...
& things i need to remind myself of often too!!!
draft copy 2007© - j. marshon

... i love you mags! from one baby girl to another!!! ... godspeed sweetie! : )

1. Work hard at not judging others. Especially if you find yourself thinking certain people are below you—It is those people who often turn out to be your biggest supporters and help when you least expect–and need it the most.

2. Laugh often! Laughter is the 'sugar' of life.

3. Dance! Often and anywhere—especially in the morning when you are getting ready—it is the best way to kickoff a great day!

4. Slow dance. Especially with that special someone.

5. Have crushes! And, aim high! Having dreams is what life is all about.

6. Smile. It is seriously contagious.

7. Be a friend to everyone! It's the best reward you will receive from your high school years!

8. Get involved! Join as many clubs, sports, and organizations as you can that interest you. You'll meet great people and learn about yourself in the process. Start your freshman year and stick to it.

9. Try to not be the teacher's pet—but help teachers when you can—offer a sincere hand.

10. Walk in the rain on a warm summer day.

11. Enjoy nature every chance you can. It puts things into perspective when everything else seems to go haywire.

12. Cry when you have a broken heart. Rise above it and try to move beyond it. With all your might, try to not be resentful.

13. Be your own best friend.

14. Encounter people with kindness. The best way to get back at your enemies is with kindness, they will not know how to react.

15. Set a good example. For yourself most importantly!

16. Forgive yourself and others for your/their mistakes.

17. Join the Student Council and run for President.

18. Participate in school spirit—have FUN with it!

19. When you walk down the hall at school, look people in the eye, smile at them and say, "hi." Try to say their name. You will feel good about yourself and you may just make someone's day a little brighter.

20. People like to feel important and know that someone cares—be that someone!

21. Remember that "bad hair days" happen. Let it, except it, and get over it.

22. Remember your sense of humor. Pull it out when others hurt or upset you.

23. Forgive your enemies—no matter what.

24. Do your homework—it will alleviate a lot of headaches in the long run.

25. Have best friends—search hard, and pick them carefully. Enjoy their company and always stay in touch with each other.

26. Sing, talk, and speak up! Loud and often. You have a voice—let it be heard! Don't be afraid to use it!

27. Join school plays or musicals.

28. Develop your own "signature" sense of style.

29. Attend school games and sporting functions. Make sure to cheer on the home team!

30. Be the school's morning radio announcer and wake everyone up to a great day.

31. Take pictures! Lots of them! Round up a few friends and walk around school surprising other classmates. Take them on random days during the school year, not just at festive times. Email photos to others—even classmates you may not know very well. The memories captured on film are a moment in time you'll remember all your life.

32. Go to your junior and senior prom. If you don't have a date in mind or weren't asked, ask a foreign exchange student and go as friends so they can experience prom too.

33. Join the yearbook staff.

34. Take the long route to class to catch a glimpse or smile at your crush!

35. Have cool school gear. Choose a backpack, notebooks, pencils and other gadgets that are in sync with your personality.

36. Others will make fun of you and tease you! Rise above it. Remember that many times they are just trying to put you down in order for feel better about themselves.

37. Try to compliment three people a day. It'll make both you and them feel better about yourselves. Be sure you are sincere.

38. Rise to the challenge—no matter what it is!

39. Take an art class. Learn about the great artists and be able to identify their works.

40. Sing in the shower when you are getting ready for school.

41. Join the school band. Take a music appreciation course. Music is great and you never know how learning music will influence your life in the future. You may just turn out to be a 'Rock Star!'

42. Dream! And dream BIG!

43. Take college prep courses in high school. Take courses that will help to prepare you for college even if you are uncertain whether or not you are planning to go. You will get the most out of your high school education.

44. Join the track team. Be as good as you can. Have fun and challenge yourself. Down the road you will appreciate the talent of the participants in Summer Olympic Games even more.

45. Write poems—keep them in a special journal/notebook.

46. Help elders when they are in need!

47. Join the marching band. If you do not play an instrument, be a flag girl or majorette!

48. Attend summer camp(s). These experiences will stay with you forever.

49. Go swimming all year long at the school's indoor pool. Even if you are not on the swimming team—it is great fun and good exercise. Learn how to do a couple of really cool dives on the diving board and show off!

50. Try to organize what you plan to wear to school the night before. This will save you time getting ready the next morning.

51. Stand up for yourself!

52. Be careful with who you trust with important secrets. This is a tough one, but done with care, will save you a lot of heartache.

53. Accept others for their unique differences and for 'who they truly are.'

54. Choose friends that like you for who you truly are. Don't try to "put on a hat" in order to fit in to a specific clique. You know deep down where you belong and who you like to hang out with.

55. Read! Learn to enjoy the art of reading.

56. Pray!

57. Don't try to be someone or something you aren't—always be true to yourself!

58. Write your favorite poems, song lyrics and quotes on the covers of your school folders and notebooks. On days when you are not feeling focused, these readings will bring you back to reality and make you feel better.

59. Remember that life basically, "is what it is." So sometimes you just have to let it be.

60. Put up a corkboard in your room on the wall and pin up all of your favorite pictures and things.

61. Have a great hobby that gives you much joy!

62. Apply for college scholarships. There are many scholarships that go unclaimed because no one applied. Check with college financial student aid offices and find out about scholarships you can apply for. These scholarships are a nice ego booster and are very helpful to offset the costs of paying for college.

63. Collect something!

64. Make a tape, CD, or mp3 of all of your favorite songs and give a copy to your best friend.

65. Remember that most competitions are almost always only with yourself.

66. Try to be the nicest person you know.

67. Dress to shock! You will look great! If you feel that you look great, you do! Enjoy who you are and your fashion sense.

68. Stand by your beliefs. Stick by them—don't allow others to influence your true core beliefs!

69. Do the best possible job you can on your class projects—take a leadership role and do your best! You'll be proud of your results.

70. Attend Church! Get involved with youth groups.

71. Call home whenever you need a lift or advice.

72. If you find yourself in a compromising situation, take responsibility for yourself. Think about your actions and make the best judgment call. You'll have to live with the consequences of the choices you make.

73. Avoid restless people.

74. True friends will love you and cherish your friendship no matter what!

75. Go bowling with your friends.

76. Have slumber parties with your friends! Make so mores, tell ghost stories, watch movies, be dorky! You only live once!

77. Go to the beach with your friends.

78. Remember that others will let you down. It's tough. You need to just stick it out. You will get through it. It'll be ok. Everything works out in the long run!

79. Steer clear of troublemakers—they'll try to bring you down with them at all costs. Misery loves company!

80. You should never have to "try" to be someone's friend. Friendship is a natural step. If you're trying too much—it's probably not worth the effort.

81. Go ice skating and roller skating with your friends.

82. Stand up tall, straight and hold your head up—have faith in yourself!

83. Family trips are not uncool! It's time to spend with those who love you the most. Get to know them! You will grow up, move out, and move on with your life soon enough. Your "cool" friends will come and go, but your family will be there for you always.

84. Enjoy the time you have with your family—you will miss them terribly when they are gone.

85. Live "in the moment." Don't try to do to many things at the same time.

86. Listen to people when they are talking to you. Give them your focused attention. This is an important character trait that people will always appreciate, love, and remember you for.

87. Once in a while, rent movies with your family and enjoy making homemade popcorn on the stove. Make it even better by adding root beer floats.

88. Eat your favorite foods on your Birthday!

89. The average person only uses 5-10% of their brain. Use all 100%! Use it to the max! Live! Experience things! Learn! Ask questions! Push the envelope and yourself! There really is no limit!

90. Remember your grandparents and great grandparents. Write down your childhood memories of them.

91. Help/Volunteer at a local retirement home or soup kitchen. You'll gain a new perspective on things and life in general.

92. Listen to all kinds of music. Learn to appreciate it and really listen to good, uplifting lyrics.

93. Learn a foreign language or two.

94. Go on school trips abroad.

95. Have your picture taken as much as possible with your friends by the school yearbook photographers. It gives you a much better reason for purchasing the yearbook; and more places to personalize your messages when signing.

96. Staying "under the radar" is not an option!

97. Hold hands with that "special someone." Enter a courting relationship like you were in the early 1900's. You will really learn what it is like to "fall in love." Embrace your innocence and learn to love people wholeheartedly.

98. Have your mom or dad take pictures of you when your receive flowers or something special form a friend or boyfriend. Hold up your special gift and enjoy the moment.

99. Help others in need!

100. Decorate your school locker!

101. Do not be afraid to speak up or ask questions! Chances are there are others who have the same questions as you, but they are just too afraid to ask.

102. Take a chance! You may get a broken heart—but you won't have to live with the regret that you didn't try!

103. Show up! When you don't think you can do it—no matter what the task (class/event/competition)—Just show up! It's the minimum you can do. Chances are that others feel the same way. Some don't show up at all, some fail, some excel. What you'll find is that most of the time if you just show up, that is all you really needed to do. It's not as bad as you think!

104. Why be normal? Understand that "normal" is not necessarily a virtue, rather it denotes a lack of courage, passion, and determination to make a difference.

105. Chart your own path!

106. Learn to type properly.

107. Love deeply! (even if it breaks your heart!)

108. Have a journal, but be careful where you leave it. You may also want to lock it. Those thoughts are for your eyes only. Express yourself to yourself!

109. When someone disappoints you (because they will) remember that they are only human!

110. Live each day so that at the end of the day you can say to yourself, "I did the best that I could do."

111. Life is full of embarrassing moments—learn to graciously except it. You'll get over them faster.

112. Realize early that you cannot please everyone—focus on making the best of things for yourself and those you love.

113. Love yourself for the way that you are. Don't change for anyone but yourself.

114. Have strong convictions and fight hard for them!

115. Be respectful of elders, teachers, officers, and officials.

116. Live the "Golden Rule."

117. Try to not let other people's criticism get you down. This is a really tough one. Be strong, try to see things from their perspective, realize that they may have a point, or that they may just be wrong. Follow your inner voice.

118. Really celebrate your Birthday! Dress up, wear pins, eat cake!!! Enjoy the years as they float by!

119. Study! This is the time to do it! Try to enjoy the learning process. View it as using your brain and not as a burden. Knowledge fuels the soul. It's what makes us more interesting.

120. Try not to compare yourself to others—rise above it—be your own person. Be thankful for your own talents.

121. Try to get a good night sleep the night before an exam. Clarity always helps!

122. Why walk when you can run! Run for your goals!

123. Remember your first kiss and your first love. Write these experiences down on paper. Never forget the innocence and beauty of the moment.

124. Don't be afraid to hug people! Hugs are what make us caring human beings.

125. Remember your first date.

126. Trade class photos with your classmates every year and put them in photo albums. Share them with your classmates at your class reunions in the future. It's a hoot!

127. Say ,"Hi" to everyone who makes eye contact with you.

128. Walk with a purpose.

129. Try to have as many people sign your yearbook as possible. Read their comments for a laugh and to learn something about yourself from another's point of view. Save a whole page for your best friend and ask them to write something special for you!

130. Sign the back of your school photos. Address them to the person you are giving it to and write a small and sincere message to them.

131. Fall in love at first sight.

132. Go on blind dates with other couples. (but take money just in case your date is a doornob and you have to pay for your own dinner!)

133. On Valentine's Day send a flower to someone who would never expect it, or to someone less fortunate than you. Sign it, "someone who thinks you are special."

134. Look up, and look people in the eye when you're speaking to them.

135. Have photos taken of you and your date from prom, homecoming and special dances.

136. Participate in car washes and other school fundraisers that involve the community.

137. Help decorate for school dances and parades.

138. Look forward to waking up every day and going to school. Make your high school years the most fun you can.

139. It's true—these are the days you'll remember!

140. Don't worry about your weight and dieting—you are NOT as large as you think you are. Food is not the enemy, but don't overdo it either. Everything in moderation.

141. Introduce yourself to new students and foreign exchange students. You may meet a new friend and you will make them feel more at ease.

142. When finishing a semester, tell your teachers that you appreciated learning from them. Be sincere.

143. In your homeroom on the first day of class, sit next to someone that you don't know and talk to them. It will east the tension of starting a new semester and who knows, you may just be sitting by your new best friend for life!

144. Share and offer assistance, but don't let others take advantage of you.

145. Realize that everyone at sometime or another has "bad days." be a spark of encouragement whenever possible.

146. Make others feel important.

147. Make homemade cards for your friends' birthdays!

148. If you don't understanding something in class, make a point to meet with the teacher to clarify your questions. They will be glad to help, and will appreciate your genuine interest to learn. Plus, that's their job!

149. Make special gifts for your friends at Christmastime (holidays). My favorite—rice crispy treats shaped like giant Hershey's Kisses wrapped in tinfoil.

150. Eat lunch outside on a warm spring or fall day.

151. Make homemade pizza with your family and friends.

152. Steer clear of bullies—avoid them at all costs!

153. If you come upon an upset/crying classmate, ask them, "Are you ok?" or, "Can I help?" Show concern for others, never ignore them. They could be going through something very difficult. Even if they don't want your help, be the person who offers.

154. Don't be to quick to jump to rash conclusions. Get the facts and choose your course of action carefully.

155. Don't allow yourself to be bullied! Stand up for yourself! Fight back if you have to, but fight fair!

156. Have summer jobs. The cash will come in handy!

157. Remember that you are never alone! There are plenty of others in your boat and there is usually always a life raft nearby.

158. Apologize to others when you hurt them.

159. Learn to read music.

160. Memorize some of your favorite poems and recite them often.

161. Try to choose school paper report project topics that you are genuinely interested in. It makes doing the work more interesting and worthwhile.

162. Brush your teeth, wash your face, and don't forget face lotion—take care of your skin—really! Your skin will thank you at age 35.

163. Wear your favorite color for your school pictures.

164. Wear a really fun outfit the last day of class each year, and have fun with your locker mate when cleaning your locker. You'll be surprised the things you will find. Have your camera ready!

165. Participate in your high school art show—display your favorite pieces.

166. Choose a favorite fragrance and make it your signature scent.

167. Have your camera handy for special times (last day of class, senior trip, band camp, games, etc.) Ask others to take pictures of you with your friends.

168. It's good to splurge on Fridays. Have a giant Chocolate Chip Cookie and share it with your friends.

169. Write an article and submit it to be published in the school paper or a popular magazine.

170. Win awards! Try for the Student of the Month, the Outstanding Player! Just go for it! Soak up the glory!

171. Get your best friend a birthday cake on their birthday and share it with others at lunch!

172. Have a pet! A kitty or puppy is the best medicine when you feel down.

173. Let go of resentment—it will only end up hurting you in the long run.

174. Remember that life is not always fair! Just do your best, play fair, and it will be right with your soul.

175. Do all you can to get ahead in the game! But, do it without cheating or lying!

176. Try to see and recognize the difference between true friends and fair-weather friends. You will suffer less heartbreak.

177. Have a lot of friends, but be best friends with a select few. Appreciate all of their different qualities and characteristics.

178. Try different cultural foods and learn about other cultures. After all you live in "the melting pot." Be open and accepting of other people's cultural backgrounds and beliefs. Try not to be judgmental.

179. Get wild and be crazy, but know your boundaries and limitations.

180. Laugh until you cry!

181. Laugh until you pee your pants!

182. Laugh so much and so often that you experience that "when food comes out your nose" laugh.

183. Try new sports. Tennis, racquetball, volleyball, skiing, golf or softball. Try to learn and play a number of different sports to get an understanding for the skills required and an appreciation of the game.

184. Take "time-outs" when studying.

185. Talk on the telephone with your friends! Talk! Talk! Talk!

186. Begin each semester with a fresh start. Get new folders/notebooks for each class. Gear up, get organized! A fresh start makes a good foundation to build upon.

187. Draw pictures and writings of your favorite things on your notebook covers. P.S. Don't forget your name.

188. Each night, try to focus more on your studies than what's on TV. You will have years to watch TV down the road. And you will always be able to catch good re-runs. But, you can't go back and redo bad grades.

189. Volunteer to help with community projects.

190. Be book smart and people smart.

191. Practice! It is true—Practice makes perfect! Strive for perfection, but realize you do not HAVE TO BE perfect!

192. Pull up your boot straps!

193. Encourage your classmates/teammates, even when they are your biggest competition. Be genuine.

194. When filling out evaluations on classmates for reports/presentations, find at lease three good things to say. Try not to criticize or condemn them, the teacher knows what their pros and cons are. Getting criticism from classmates is much harder to take than from a teacher.

195. Praise other classmates and friends in public.

196. Make a difference in at least one person's life.

197. When completing teacher evaluations, be honest. Write their pros and document their cons only if you have a substantial reason. Don't condemn them if you have a grudge against them—be fair.

198. Draw pictures and sketches of your favorite things. This is where your passion lives!

199. Stop worrying what others think of you. Focus more on what you think of yourself—That's all that really counts!

200. Live for yourself not for what others want of you; or think you should live for.

201. Love your siblings. They look up to you the most.

202. Be kind to children. They idolize older youth. Set an honorable example for them to follow.

203. Compile a scrapbook for every year of high school. It will become one of your most cherished possessions.

204. Do stuff with you siblings—be their friend and hero. Stand up for them no matter what.

205. Whenever you get your photo in the local newspaper, clip it out and save the article. Save all of your newspaper clippings—big or small—and put them in a special binder. These are your glory days!

206. Join the Youth Corps for a summer.

207. Earn your varsity letter in a sport and have it applied to a varsity jacket.

208. Get a high school class ring that fits your personality.

209. Strive to be on the Honor Roll every semester.

210. When others are talking negative about another classmate, resist the urge to join in on the gossip. Instead, find something nice to say about the person being criticized and the conversation should change. If you cannot say something nice—don't say anything at all.

211. Participate in school talent shows.

212. Smile for the camera—don't be camera shy!

213. Determine your favorite beverage, candy bar, cake and ice cream flavor. Decide what your signature tastes and preferences are.

214. Participate in water-balloon fights.

215. Take a CPR course and get certified.

216. Wear clothes that make a statement about who you are.

217. Shop at thrift stores. Support the Salivation Army and find some unique things to add to your wardrobe.

218. Get your picture taken with your best friend at a photo booth. Make funny faces for the instant pictures.

219. Do a Chinese Fire Drill with your friends.

220. Take road trips—especially to the beach.

221. Get a makeover by a professional make-up artist. Have them show you how to apply makeup and determine what colors work best with your skin tone.

222. Take care of your face. Wash, moisturize, and oxy! Try to never burn it in the sun (cover your face with sunscreen and wear spf based foundation and lotion).

223. Have fun jewelry.

224. Make your own jewelry and friendship bracelets with your friends.

225. Try to eat veggies and fruit as often as possible, but enjoy fast food on occasion too. Remember, everything in moderation!

226. Learn how to style your hair like a professional.

227. Respect the environment.

228. Be the designated driver.

229. Go prom dress shopping with your mom. Make it a special day trip and take your little sister with you. Try on lots of dresses and have fun!

230. Always try to get the perfect close-up parking space. But, if there are none available don't be disappointed. Think of it as getting exercise by walking—yes, it's actually good for you.

231. Learn how to play a variety of card games.

232. Go sledding with your family and friends in the winter.

233. TP (Toilet Paper) someone's house for fun. Not out of spite, but out of fun and good spirit!

234. Go Trick-Or-Treating with your friends. Get really dressed up! Have fun with it! Soon enough you will be WAY to old for that kind of stuff!

235. Respect other people's privacy.

236. Take career placement tests to get an idea of what your career interests are.

237. Take the stairs instead of the elevators whenever possible.

238. Laugh at yourself! Have a way-positive attitude and a great sense of humor toward life and yourself.

239. Be a survivor!

240. Surround yourself with people, friends, and family who love and support you.

241. Have pride in yourself. There are secrets to making a person fall in love with you. Get to know them first. Wait and/or resist engaging in PDA (public display of affection). There really is no need to rush into things—you are only in high school. If you have respect in yourself, the boys will have more respect for you. Demand it! And remember, no one wants a girl who does not think positive of herself!

242. Be independent.

243. Be energetic.

244. Be confident.

245. Never, never, never give up!

246. Exercise.

247. Drink water. It helps your complexion and fills you up.

248. Try to not be upset by negative comments. Realize that things you take to heart now will not be as important to you down the road. Often the things you think are important now are absolutely meaningless later.

249. If you're ever defeated, force yourself to rise above it.

250. It's ok to be the underdog. Remember most people are rooting for the underdog.

251. When you take trips with your friends and family and feel the need to get the "perfect shot" of some attraction, make sure you take pictures with your family or friends in the picture. When you look back at the photos, you will cherish the ones with your loved ones more than the "perfect scenery" snap shot.

252. Be an over-achiever.

253. Don't try so hard to find love. It's true! When you least expect it the most, then true love will find you.

254. Be daring.

255. Be loyal.

256. Be honest.

257. Don't let anyone pressure you to do something you don't want to do. "No" really means "No!"

258. Be sentimental.

259. Be old fashioned.

260. Make a point to clean your room spic-n-span on Christmas Eve. You'll love waking up to such a clean room to put your new Christmas treasures in!

261. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself for who you are—embrace your uniqueness!

262. Friends will come and go. It will be hard, but you will have to say goodbye to a select few because of personal differences. Be brave, don't befriend, but let go if your beliefs are too different from theirs. Always be there for them, even if you grow apart. Be a constant in their life.

263. Remember that all things in this life are temporary. Try to keep your eyes and heart focused on the eternal. That is what matters most.

264. Be sweet.

265. Be cool and calm.

266. Love WILL save the day, and, love IS all you need! LOVE WINS!

267. Above all, remember that God has a plan for you. No matter what, He is always there for you. Have faith and believe in this promise!

268. Play to win. To do this play hard and play fair. You may not always come out on top, but you will know what it is like to be a winner.

269. Be kind to people, especially when you don't feel like it. This is a hard one, but important!

270. Try to always have faith in others. Most importantly always have in yourself and in GOD.

271. Wear funny pajamas and socks to bed!

272. Wear your superhero undies!

273. Don't worry so much about the future. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Life has a unique way of working itself out. And worry is just a waste of your precious time!

274. Savor "moments" and take a mental picture of special moments. They are the stones of your memory path in life.

275. Love deeply and whole heartedly!

276. Ride bikes with your friends.

277. Join your school or community choir.

278. Read and memorize Bible scripture. You will be really surprised how much this will be a comfort and joy in times you least expect it.

279. Live each day with a clear conscious and no regrets.

280. All things happen for a reason. God has a plan for everything. And, all things happen when they are supposed to. You do not have control over everything.

281. Write a love song and a love poem.

282. Love people for who they are. Accept them at face value and never try to make them into someone you think they "should" be. You can never really change someone from being who they truly are. Love them regardless.

283. Be on time for events, meetings, etc.

284. Be creative.

285. Don't blame others for your problems. Have the courage to face up to them and fix them yourself.

286. Only you can make yourself truly happy.

287. Go on a hayride in the fall with your friends.

288. Grow something in a garden. Fruit, veggies or flowers. Watch the fruit of your labor grow.

289. Shop till you drop!

290. Go to amusement parks with your friends and family. Ride the roller coasters with your arms in the air.

291. Be a participant in a parade and wave at the people watching.

292. Go camping and canoeing in the woods. The great outdoors does wonders for the soul.

293. Watch classic movies. You will get the "butt" of many jokes that reference them. Also, enjoy them for their beautiful nature and timeless brilliance. One of my favorites: "It's a wonderful life."

294. Find peace in the details of life.

295. Take time to really "see" the horizon, sky, fields, roads, paths, flowers, and live all around you. Breath it in.

296. Search your heart for what you truly want to be and go for it.

297. Before exams and tests, say a little prayer to God. Don't forget to thank Him afterwards too.

298. Always believe in yourself! You are beautiful and capable of anything you set your mind to!

299. Always remember that everyone has a story that will break your heart. Be compassionate to others.

300. Don't get obsessed about your weight and don't weigh yourself every day. Worrying about your weight is fruitless and only causes more problems.

301. Be who your are and live your life for more than just being someone who tries to please everyone else.

302. Life is not perfect, so don't think that you have to be.

303. Don't be too quick to jump on the band wagon; try to figure out where it is going first!

304. Always remember the feeling of twirling around as a little kid!

305. Never loose the light of your inner child. Hold on to it like it is the most valuable thing you own.

306. Be childlike in spirit. It is the path to heaven.

307. Remember one good deed on your behalf has the power to change someone else's life forever.

308. Set goals for yourself. Do your best at achieving them.

309. Be well-rounded; smart, caring and outgoing.

310. Live your life so that when others think of you, they think of goodness and kindness.

311. Help those less fortunate than you.

312. Be someone that others can depend on.

313. Be true to your word.

314. Try new hair styles and hair cuts.

315. Paint your toenails and fingernails fun and bright colors.

316. Be part of the school dance committees.

317. Never be afraid to admit your mistakes.

318. Apologize when you have hurt someone or you were wrong. It is only hardest when you admit to it, but then your heart is transformed!

319. Show respect for other peer's parents and grandparents.

320. Never judge your friends by their homes or their family members' behavior.

321. Don't judge people based on other's gossip. Give everyone a fair chance from the ground up.

322. Try to find something positive or kind in every person you meet.

323. Live for today!

324. Go on hiking trips–learn to appreciate the beauty of nature and all the essence all abound.

325. Lay on the ground and stare at the clouds. Try to make out shapes and compare them with what your friends see.

326. Close your eyes and listen to classical music–learn how to appreciate classical music. Bach is my favorite!

327. Take an art class. You will find beauty in many things, by studying art and seeing beauty through the eyes of others.

328. Remember, Jesus died so that you can live. Live this life to the fullest!

329. Tell your mom and dad every now and then that you love them, give them a big hug and a kiss on the cheek!

330. Learn the constellations and be able to identify them in a clear night sky.

331. Be as you are!

332. Wear fun shoes!

333. Love the shoes you are in!

love wins sweetie... love always wins!
~ auntie jill

the life of the party






the life of the party


yap… that’s me… the life of the party… weather I want to be or not… it just happens… just comes naturally…

a good friend of my brother’s recently said to me following an evening out… “we’re not mad at you for mingling around and meeting other people… it’s just that we like to have you mingling among us… by us… next to us… celebrating with us… we like to have you around us…

i asked, “why… why so much have me around… i’m loud… crazy, silly and somewhat obnoxious at times… and, other times i just want to be in the background… sometimes i want to go totally unnoticed… sometimes I want to just wander off and find some interesting soul to talk with and share stories… someone to find a spark of inspiration in…”

he replied, “you can not possibly go unnoticed… that will not happen… because you are the life of the party… it isn’t the same without you around… you make us smile and laugh… you are the center of attention… the core… the element… weather you choose to be or not… you just are…”

I’m both a little appreciative and troubled by those words… because sometimes i do want to just be in the background… that isn’t how it works though does it…

i’m “that” girl/guy… you know… the one who breaks the awkward silence… the one that steps out there just a little further than everyone else… that one who risks total persecution… total belittlement… rejection… but also the one who risks and relishes in total resilience… total fun… total recognition… it’s all parity for the role…

the person who you poke fun at and giggle about behind their back… but then admire and pawn after for their wit and humor… the person that everyone doesn’t want there at the party; but secretly prays and hopes will be there…
… because i take the burden of social anxiety off everyone else… it just happens naturally…

I could choose to reject society and not partake… or risk the inevitable; both be loved and hated for being the extrovert…

… when really… what you really don’t know… is that I am often at times the complete introvert… funny how life is that way… funny how that defines and sums up who actually is…
… the life of the party…

so be it…
… i am whatever you say i am...
be as you are…

love wins!

~ j. marshon

first comes love... then comes marriage... then...




First comes love… then comes marriage… than comes babies in the M-Class???


What happened…

It was all going perfectly accordingly to plan…

first came love... great love... a love unknown before then...
... then marriage...

... mulder and scully at the auto show... visiting the mercedes vip lounge... viewing the first m-class... it was just a seemingly natural step at that time... no questions at all littered thought... no doubts.. the diamond ring sparkling brighter; as never before... newlyweds...

everything was perfect... especially perfect from the perspective of looking in from the outside of the McMansion…
then came...

… the lucrative high paying career, McMansion in the pompous Lansing subdivision located on the outer banks of the grand river… the seemingly perfect marriage…

then... it… just… all... went to hell…

Just like that!

It began with a crossed line… did he or she cross it first… good question...

A beautiful life… or was it… neglect, abuse, overindulgence…

He lost the job that he seemingly loved more than her… she lost her grandmother… then job… hope in the whole plan... the notion of the M-Class (a good thing)... and the general ability to live in this world for what it is…
Shit happens… and it was shitting cats and dogs everywhere!

The world caved in…

It was all on schedule… but, who’s schedule… God had a different plan… and He is still working on it… seven years later… where do we go from here... another good question...

I wonder...
... lost here in limbo

we continue to linger...



linger; cranberries

If you, if you could return, don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade.

I’m sure I’m not being rude, but it’s just your attitude,
It’s tearing me apart, It’s ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her(his) hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I’m in so deep. You know I’m such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn’t be so confused and I wouldn’t feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I’m in so deep. You know I’m such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

And I’m in so deep. You know I’m such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

You know I’m such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

thanksgiving of senses



Thanksgiving…

I think of my life… this year has been a year of desperately searching for thanks… and finding thanks in the smallest and unexpected places and people… funny how life is in that way… I am thankful for the people that introduce and bring much laughter and depth to my life… mostly, unexpanded people who have done this… and for that I am extremely grateful… I am grateful for the strong and unconditional love of family... my true best friends who hang in there with me and encourage me to keep going… my sister and jenny for what blesses my soul (music and unconditional friendship)… and those people who have served as a reminder of how important family truly is… you know who you are…

… living in a different place, in a small space not of my own… in the absence of all of my accumulated things collected over the years… and things like my grandmothers paintings that I often sought solitude in… they are all not here where my current dwelling resides… so I’ve lived without a lot of amenities, memories, and things that I cherished so much throughout my life thus far…

Things I am grateful to have had in my life... things that I didn’t necessarily take for granted... just things that made me deeply moved and grounded... things I don’t have anymore and miss terribly... for these beautiful things I give thanks... even in a time of loss and surrender... as they become a faded memory...

But, more so than things...

I miss mostly the essence of sounds, sights, smells, and touch... things that truly impacted my soul...

I miss the sound...

Of November gales… how the wind used to come off lake Michigan in the loudest roars… a sound of awe and strength… like a deep cry of loss… so far away… so hard… so sad…

Barges off the shore... the blow of the foghorn on a still morning… so hallowing and stirring…

The coast guard helicopters as they pass by enroot to their saving assignment or next station…

Or the sweet swoosh of a fighter jet stream across the sky just off the lake shore on a practice round…

The faint sound of the neighbor dogs from the kennel along the way…

The doves and birds in the wintertime enjoying the bird food I placed outside for them…

The neighbor’s wind chimes in the fall breeze…

The howl of Lake Michigan at night from a nor eastern gale…

The trains making their way supplying coal to consumer’s energy… with the mere knowledge and task of keeping people warm and safe in their homes…

I miss the sight…

Of the Holland and grand haven lighthouses as I stroll along the coastline…

The beautiful blue jays stealing the squirrels’ peanuts…

The black squirrels scrimmaging and hiding the nuts in preparation for winter…

The cardinals that litter the freshly snow covered trees surrounding the house…

The stillness of Lake Michigan after a hard snowfall with the dead silent calm that follows…

The stillness and comfort of snow covered sand dunes…

The sound of the neighbors laughter following a holiday celebration… as they bid farewell to their guests…

I miss the smell…

Of Lake Michigan on a beautiful summer morning…

The pine trees lining the drive…

The candles I would purchase and strategically place throughout the house to celebrate special year festivities in special remembrance…

Fresh cooked dinners and deserts prepared for a special holiday dinner in the double ovens… always made me feel so Martha Stewart… so safe and happy…

BBQing all year round… the linger of the marinate in the refrigerator…

The scent of kitties fur after I burrow my nose in their soft neck fur and breath them in…

I miss the feel…

Of Lake Michigan’s water on my skin while jumping in first thing in the morning for a quick refreshing rinse after running… or late at night in the darkness of moonlight…

The kitties love rubs around my feet and legs in the morning while making breakfast and coffee…

The love rubs on my face from the kitties as I wake up on the weekend sleeping in each morning

The perfect bubble bath… loaded with scented bubbles ad the jets streaming alongside my skin…

The high thread count soft, silky sheets after a fresh wash and bleaching… so comfy!

My fury blankets curled up on the couch by the fireplace…

The feel of the fireplace on my skin as I napped with the kitties for hours on a weekend afternoon…

The feel of solitude and silence in ;my back room den…

The pure and unconditional love of Spirit surrounding me in that round house… constant motion…

My senses are lacking the loss of the love I had in the house I used to call home… searching for a new home now… I am thankful that I have the strength to go on and relish in the moments and memories and move forward to experience all things new…

Amen.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

seek up to live a humble existence


seek up

ok... back to the profile song blogging bit again... obviously music is something that encompasses me... something i love that i can write about... something that inspires me... i try for the most part to work and live… don't necessarily work to live and definitely don't live to work...

seek up... living without

life happens… living without doesn't so much in this country at times…

… ever try living without all of the modern conveniences we have grown so accustomed to in our everyday lives? try going without internet connection for a weekend. try going without cable for a month… try going without tv for a week… it is not very easy… and the internet thing… not having it at my fingertips on the weekend makes me want to just about pull all of my hair out!!! it's just terrible… but… there are far worst things that could be lacking in this life!!!

since living out in no mans land i've pondered these thoughts and then some… living without all my things… having only "the essentials" with me… I no longer have access to the things I cherished and possessed… or, should I say... possessed me?

… without going into massive regurgitation mode… simply put… I've gone through many changes over the past year and have learned to go without "all my stuff"… I've learned to live without a lot of things I'd taken for granted of for many years… but, what it comes down to... what I've learned... is that I really don't need all of those "things" in life to be happy… when it comes RIGHT down to it – I don't need anything actually – BUT the love of family, great friends and my sweet pets…

I realize how materialistic I have been weaned to believe I needED to be through the years growing up a product of the crazy eighties… a time when we were REMINDED constantly of the things we needed thanks to the surge of massive advertising and marketing… we had tv, radio and other media to remind us always of the things we needed in order to be cool… better…thinner…tanner… richer… I remember reading slogans from my teenager times… how selfish are these… yeah, let's put them on word tees!
"you can never be too tan, rich, or thin."

another… "whoever dies with the most things, wins."

… I say to that… WHAT?

How do you win if you die with things and not love? If you are too tan, rich or thin… you're on the path to death anyway…

Really, think about it… how selfish and ridiculous…

in college I was trained to seek the mighty dollar… what about peace, accomplishments, good for others? The carrot dangling in front of all of us was money… you will get a job and make money… It was all about the money… aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
... now years later… I've had "the" job… made the money… lived in the McMansion in the crowded subdivision among the other McMansions… WHO REALLY CARED!!! It didn't make me happier, feel more successful, or bring me peace… sure it looked good… but who cares???

Thank God, I was able to move from the McMansion to a beach cottage… AND now… I am pretty much homeless! It is crazy… but each time I eliminate more "things" from my life, the happier and more at peace I am… and, really when it all comes down to it... we can't take any of it with us... ashes to ashes... dust to dust... it is vital to know our true importance in this life... so... isn't love, above all else, all that is important...
... a career choice… I really believe that if you seek something to do in life that can help and work for the good of others and yourself; something that you enjoy doing; something that helps you believe in yourself... and if you seek reward in self accomplishments and solitude… wealth will follow... both monetarily and non-monetarily!

my 2 cents for the day... : )

love wins! it really does! love always wins!

~ jill


the acoustic version of this song is absolutely beautiful ~

seek up; dave matthews and tim reynolds

sometimes I feel like I'm falling
fall back again, fall back again,
fall back again, fall back again

oh, life it seems a struggle between what we see and what we do
well I'm not going to change my ways just to please you or appease you
Inside a crowd, five billion proud, willing to punch it out
right, wrong, weak, strong, ashes to ashes all fall down
oh, look around about this round about, this merry-go-round and around
well If at all God's gaze upon us falls, it's with a mischievous grin, look at Him

forget about the reasons and the treasons we are seeking
forget about the notion that our emotions can be swept away
forget about being guilty we are innocent instead
for soon we will all find our lives swept away

late at night with TV's hungry child, his belly swells
oh, for the price of a coke or a smoke, i could keep alive those hungry eyes
take a look at me, what you see in me, mirror look at me, face it all again

forget about the reasons and the treasons we are seeking
forget about the notion that our emotions can be kept at bay
forget about being guilty we are innocent instead
for soon we will all find our lives swept away

you seek up an emotion and your cup is overflowing
you seek up on emotion, sometimes your well is dry
you seek up a big monster for him to fight your wars for you
but when he finds his way to you, the devil's not going, "ha ha, ha ha"

(say, oh say)

oh look at me in my fancy car and my bank account
oh, how I wish I could take it all down into my grave, God knows I'd save and save
man, take a look again, take a look again, things you have collected
well in the end piles up so tall, to one big nothing, one big nothing at all

forget about the reasons and the treasons we are seeking
forget about the notion that our emotions can be swept away
intentions are not wicked, don't be tricked into thinking so
and soon we will all find our lives swept away

you seek up an emotion and your cup is overflowing
you seek up an emotion, sometimes your well is dry
you seek up a big monster for him to fight your wars for you
but when he finds his way to you, the devil's not going, "ha ha, ha ha"

fall back again,
fall back again
fall back again,
fall back again...

when i look to the sky



When I look to the sky

Godspeed little man…

I love you and miss you Spirit! rip 10-17-03

Have you ever had a love so profound, another spirit, soul, a being that just "got" you? I was blessed with a love like this… his name was Spirit. My beloved little man... my beautiful human-siamese cat – if you can reference him as such. To me he was never an animal/cat but a being who loved me and communicated with me telepathically deep... he had this uncanny ability to know exactly what I was thinking, feeling, needing… a love so deep; nothing compares to it... a devotion and loyalty unmatched by any human spirit I've known to this day beside Christ.

We got Spirit though an ad in the newspaper… rescued him from a shady breeding farm of sorts… cats and dogs everywhere… we literally had to chase him around the people's home and drag him out from underneath a huge cabinet. But, once we had him… there was no way I was letting him go… especially to stay in that environment. I held tight to him the entire ride home with an embrace so strong and so desperate. I needed him as much, if not more, than he needed us. He was exactly what was missing in my life at the time.

We encountered problems from the get go… it wasn't a pretty start... an emergency visit the very night we got him… he grew sick by the minute that night… another emergency visit a few weeks later… than another emergency visit to induce puking up of a tylenol I thought he may have eaten… crazy shit!

He was my beautiful shadow... he stayed right beside me every night as I studied for my masters degree… no matter how long I was up, sometimes all night, and he would just stay right there supporting me… forcing me to keep going… he fetched pens, ate pudding with me on the couch, tapped his toe in the morning as I made coffee, greeted me with a hello each morning, danced with me in circles on the kitchen floor, and slept in my legs every night until the day he passed away…

He was smarter than most people I know… had an ability to read people quickly… you always knew who was good and bad by his quick diagnosis. He was my peace at the end of the day that sat next to me in the sunroom… the warmth in my arms when we would nap by the fireplace… my laughter in play… my companion when cooking in the kitchen, when getting ready each morning for work, someone to watch over me whenever I took a bath, cleaned a room, or worked on a project… most wonderfully… he was my comfort in times of strife and loneliness, my beauty in this world, my pillow to soak up my tears when I was low… the love of my life.

***

I was laid off from work that summer, and was able to take care of him, spending every minute holding him as I searched on the computer for a new job, wrote songs, read books… he was my constant companion and I was his through it all...
He had been diagnosed early summer with a life ending disease… the terrible type of HIV for cats; the most uncommon and rare. We have no idea how he contracted it… he was healthy for 9.5 years then he started slipping away from us slowly but quite noticeably… I cried my eyes out when I got the news… a lifetime with Spirit would never be long enough… I miss him terribly the same today as the day he slipped away from me.
I would kiss him and hug him goodnight; and each morning I'd say a quick prayer for him before opening my eyes and hugging him to determine if he was still with me… i'd reach to pet him… he would respond with a sweet low buzz and I knew everything was alright for now…
He had this strange ringing in his ear at times… sort of an alien-ish loud noise… a high pitched 'C' that would just emulate from his head… we just got used to it over the years. It was profoundly loud sometimes…
It is rumored that when you hear the sound of a high-pitched 'C' you are hearing the sound of God's voice… this thought always came to mind when I heard the ringing coming from Spirit… he was an angel to me; I think he was sent to us from God himself.
Spirit made me a better person… more loving, compassionate… he taught me loyalty, responsibility, trust, patience, joy, happiness, comfort, serenity… I loved basking in the afternoon sun with him… especially on a Sunday afternoon in the summer… we'd lay on the cushions from the patio and dream away together til the sunset… such beauty and grace in those quiet moments.

***
It was a Friday afternoon; exactly four years ago… he was so strong… he was still able to drag his fragile body out of his cushion basket in attempt to go to the bathroom… of course he couldn't walk the distance so I would take him… I know this was the end… his body was very weak… though his will stronger than ever…
I laid with him in my arms on the floor, listening to John Denver as the sun disappeared into the sky that night… it grew dark… his lungs had been filling up with fluid and we were advised that this would eventually suffocate him. Spirit detested the vet… no doubt due to the first visits we dragged him to… including the neuter… which did not go smooth either… the surgery claw removal… oh the crap he endured at the vet… the term "vet" was profanity to Spirit…
He started to really struggle for air… I felt terrible… I couldn't help him… we called the vet… we were planning to take him in because it was just too much to witness... his grasping for every little amount of breath… but, Spirit was NOT going to have anything to do with the vet…
Tim cradled him in his arms… I held his little hands and looked into his beautiful eyes… rubbed my cheeks with his… my kisses and tears trickled upon his little face… I watched the life leave his beautiful little body… I watched the light leave his beautiful piercing blue eyes and fade to grey… I felt his love and presence float away from his little hands… his lifeless body lay in Tim and my arms… the love floated around the room for a while… then silence… a deafening silence… I lost a large part of myself that night… love is like that…
Spirit passed away unselfishly… allowing us the opportunity to leave the next Wednesday for a close friend's wedding celebration in Florida that took us on vacation the following week. He stayed with us a long as he knew he could. He probably would have held in there longer if the situation would have been different... but, he was smarter than us... and would not have never burdened us...
There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I don't think of him, feel the warmth and closeness of his little body in my legs when I am sleeping, hear his voice and feel the brush of him when I make coffee… it is a presence and profound love that never leaves. I loved him like the sun… and the moon… and all of the stars in the sky… still do… and, always will… none other will ever take his place... a one-of-a-kind love I was blessed to have.

***

~ Spirit ~

Godspeed little man… sweet dreams little man… my love will fly to you each night on angel wings… I love you and miss you my sweetheart… my beauty...


When I look to the sky - Train

When it rains it pours and opens doors that flood the floors
We thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you were here
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up and all of this when I sail away
And while I float upon this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plain overhead instead
It feels like it's impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
To see me over everything
That life may send me when I'm hoping it won't pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
There you are to show me
When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
You make everything alright
When I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're right here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here


Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) - dcx

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed, sweet dreams
The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed, sweet dreams
God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each

amen my beloved...

a singing bird in an open cage


Walk On

a singing bird in an open cage…

this is where I am… where life is for me right now… right this moment… I am in the darkness apart from multiple facets and people in my life… at a major crossroads… a singing bird in an open cage… not sure how I got here… but here none the less…

I've met some amazing people this year in person, online and through additional venues and places… each have touched my life in some area and I am very grateful for the acquaintance… it is hard to watch life pass you by sometimes… watch people come in and out of your life. the last year has been nothing but a rollercoaster ride for me… necessary though in order to really enjoy the ride!!! … the ride now… and those to come… now, I just need to keep walking on…

I love this song… love all U2 songs… but this one was an instant from the album… first, from a musical perspective… the beautiful edge riff… the intricate and matchless drumming of larry… the strong and deep base line that flows throughout the entire song… bono singing… his voice is a tad rough in this song… I love that it is not perfect… his vocals change slightly from chorus to chorus… not cookie cutter and I can hear when his voice gives in in a couple of areas… makes the words more real and meaningful… absolutely beautiful… rugged and honest… the lyrics on this one are perfect too! I think this song sums up the spiritual journey of u2 in a way… it is strong and forgiving; encouraging and realistic…

funny how being friends with an atheist can stir up the underlying faith that sometimes gets stagnant in my heart… funny how God works that way… how he brings people into our lives for a reason… if only to bring to light an embedded passion and meaning and searching for truth, longevity… just a little nudge… love that!!!

been reading a lot of rob bell lately… and I love how rob takes the basic bible/Hebrew text and puts it in such blunt wording… just makes it seem so… obvious… and I am able to see things beyond the horizon… see into my soul… and find a light to shed on the path…

I am grateful for the beauty I receive from friends, family, my grrr-animals, readings, writings and music… inspires the journey… and ultimately I know… "what I got I can't deny it… can't sell it… or buy it…" … great song!


Walk On – U2
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring…
And love is not the easy thing…
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, can't buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home… hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home… I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme…
All you create
All that you mend
All that you hate…

LOVE WINS!

~ jill :)

for that love i don't know how to wait anymore




beauty wears the crown...
... beauty plays the clown...


pavarotti solo...

you say that the river
finds the way to the sea
and like the river
you will come to me
beyond the borders
and the dry lands
you say that like a river
like a river...

the love will come
the love...
and i don't know how to pray anymore
and in love i don't know how to hope anymore
and for that love i don't know how to wait anymore...


miss sarajevo; u2/passengers

Is there a time for keeping your distance
A time to turn your eyes away.
Is there a time for keeping your head down
For getting on with your day.
Is there a time for kohl and lipstick
Is there time for cutting hair
Is there a time for high street shopping
To find the right dress to wear.
Here she comes, heads turn around
Here she comes, to take her crown.
Is there a time to run for cover
A time for kiss and tell.
A time for different colours
Different names you find hard to spell.
Is there a time for first communion
A time for East 17
Is there time to turn to Mecca
Is there time to be a beauty queen.
Here she comes, beauty plays the clown
Here she comes, surreal in her crown.
Dici che il fiume trova la via al mare
Che come il fiume giungerai a me
Oltre i confini e le terre assetate
L'amore giungerà, l'amore
E non so più pregare
E nell'amore non so più sperare
E quell'amore non so più aspettare.
Is there a time for tying ribbons
A time for Christmas trees.
Is there a time for laying tables
When the night is set to freeze.
O lijepa, o draga, o slatka slobodo,
[dar u kom sva blaga vi--nji nam bog je do...]

This song was inspired by a documentary; also called 'Miss Sarajevo'... which covered a beauty pageant held in war-torn Yugoslavia, with guns firing all around... the end of the song Bono recites "O lijepa, o draga, o slatka slobodo... " which means oh beautiful oh sweet freedom; verses written by the Croatian famous writer Ivan Gunduli.

a time for everything...

there is an appointed time for everything and there is a time for every event under heaven... a time to give birth, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted... a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build up... a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance... a time to throw stones, and a time to gather... a time to embrace, and a time not to... a time to search, and a time to give up as lost... a time to keep, and a time to throw away... a time to tear apart, and a time to put back together together; a time to be silent, and a time to speak... a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace...
ecclesiastes 3:1-15

RIP Luciano Pavarotti
http://www.lucianopavarotti.com/

the winds of change keep blowing; i continue walking

lonely road of faith...

the winds of change keep blowing... but i'll keep walking...

one of my favorite kid rock songs (of course along side cowboy and only God knows why)… this song is just wonderful… a great song to demonstrate his vocals and musical ability… but, way beyond the blatant and obvious… this song is so spiritual and really shows that aspect of kid... only God knows why is another song that touches on his spiritual side… he is a deeper individual than most realize, understand or see at face value…

like most rock bands I love their slow ballads best… absolutely adore kiss' beth, rolling stones' wild horses, aerosmith's dream on... and songs of the like… love when true rock and metal bands let their guard down and show that softer amazing delicate side… something sexy about it too… but, i just love that…

this song always leaves me in deep thought… thinking where life is now… comparing it to where it used to be… how many times I find myself right back here alone on the road of faith with only myself to tell me to keep going… others often give up and just don't get you… so you have to travel along the road alone at times…
that road… yes, the tippy ditch car accident incident road… the broken, bruised kitten incident road… this road I travel to and from enroute to work each day…

I drove past her again this morning… she takes her daily walk down this road… her daily, lonely walk… her parents lived there… she lives here now… a beauty queen raised among a beautiful family of 14 children… she is stunningly beautiful… the cindy crawford kind of beautiful… indubitably crowned homecoming queen in her high school years… there was no competition/no comparison/no question... she shines whether she wants to or not… and with an inner beauty more stunning than the outer beauty…

her mother was beautiful like that too… just gorgeous… her mother went to our church when we were kids… her mother's since passed away...

… now I see her at our church every Sunday with her husband, two adult children and a brand new beautiful granddaughter… all three generations... stunningly beautiful… the perfect shade of red hair in large beautiful ringlets of curls… the perfect white porcelain skin with a hint of freckles... huge stunning doe eyes... yet, she still stands alone...

alone…

beyond the blatant beauty… there is a sadness I am certain I am the only one who can see… where does a beauty like she disappear to… where is the light supposed fade to… why does society want so badly to pack up and put away that beautiful light... as she moves beyond her youth... the plan... the instructions... are to strict... must marry… become more responsible… shut off… confined… quite… fade away...

a beauty of hers is so rare… made to shine…

… I drive past her on this road… bundled up in her farm jacket… slowly making her walk down the road and back… the sadness I see in her face as I drive by… she has no idea I even notice her…

… she walks alone… even when surrounded by her beautiful family… she walks alone… a journey that only the beauty who plays the clown can understand fully… not regret… just a deafening loss… like a doll that gets put away, packed up, stored there on the shelf... when time stamps her and neglects her… there she remains... standing up straight… being quite as a mouse... silenced... shadowed...

... don't let them see you shine…

why... i ask again...

in faith, i walk on…


Lonely Road of Faith; Kid Rock

Up and down that lonely road of faith,
I have been there.
Unprepared for the storms and the tides that rise.
I've realized one thing, how much I love you,
and it hurts to see, to see you cryin'.
I believe we can make it through the winds of change. (Change.)

God is great indeed,
if you believe, in the everlife. (Yeah we gotta.)
Make some sense of the pieces that we find. (Oh no, oh no.)
And if you just hold on, I won't let ya fall. (I won't let you fall, no.)
We can make it through the storms and the winds of change. (Change.)

Though I walk through the valley of darkness,
I am not afraid,
'cause I know I'm not alone.

And if the wind blows east, would you follow me?
And if the wind blows north, would ya stay your course?
And if the wind blows west, would ya second guess?
And if it blows to the south, would you count me out?
And if the sun don't shine, would you still be mine?
And if the sky turns grey, would you walk away?
Would you say I do, if I say I'll be,
and walk this road through life with me?
You know I love youuuuuu!!!

On this lonely road of faith.
On this lonely road of faith.

LOVE WINS!
Godspeed ~ jill

the absence of fear



the absence of fear

never underestimate the power of denial...

someday he'll pay attention to me... someday he'll just relax and sit with me in the quiet… someday we'll have more time together… someday I will be able to talk without fear… someday I will be completely loved just as I am… someday it will be better… someday…

we justify our fears… we justify our choices… we justify our rights and wrongs done…

we justify the "whys"…

"i'll do whatever you want God; just let me have my way… "

i adore the spirit cd by jewel… so full of self exiling lyrics and perspectives… it is my fav cd of hers… as a songwriter… I find this cd to be one of her best… very down to earth and honest… love how she does that… if you've ever seen her live; you know how fabulous she really is as an artist… she has such a great way to draw you in and experience her style… her world… her lyrics… her background… her trademark… she is unique as an artist in that respect… appears to stay true to herself and her music…

i've been in a self discovery mode these days… looking at the world through rose colored glasses over the past two years has made it mandatory now to wake up and really listen the music…

do you know what that is like…
do you…

absence of fear; jewel

Inside my skin there is this space
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
Inside my heart there's an empty room
It's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you
And I am wanting
And I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear
Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In their separate skin
I make myself translucent
To let you in, for
I am wanting
And I am needing of you here
Inside the absence of fear
there is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
and it knows that you're no stranger
you're my gravity
My hands will adore you through all darkness aim
They will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name
For I am wanting you
And I am needing you here
I need you near
Inside the absence of fear