when i look to the sky

When I look to the sky

Godspeed little man…

I love you and miss you Spirit! rip 10-17-03

Have you ever had a love so profound, another spirit, soul, a being that just "got" you? I was blessed with a love like this… his name was Spirit. My beloved little man... my beautiful human-siamese cat – if you can reference him as such. To me he was never an animal/cat but a being who loved me and communicated with me telepathically deep... he had this uncanny ability to know exactly what I was thinking, feeling, needing… a love so deep; nothing compares to it... a devotion and loyalty unmatched by any human spirit I've known to this day beside Christ.

We got Spirit though an ad in the newspaper… rescued him from a shady breeding farm of sorts… cats and dogs everywhere… we literally had to chase him around the people's home and drag him out from underneath a huge cabinet. But, once we had him… there was no way I was letting him go… especially to stay in that environment. I held tight to him the entire ride home with an embrace so strong and so desperate. I needed him as much, if not more, than he needed us. He was exactly what was missing in my life at the time.

We encountered problems from the get go… it wasn't a pretty start... an emergency visit the very night we got him… he grew sick by the minute that night… another emergency visit a few weeks later… than another emergency visit to induce puking up of a tylenol I thought he may have eaten… crazy shit!

He was my beautiful shadow... he stayed right beside me every night as I studied for my masters degree… no matter how long I was up, sometimes all night, and he would just stay right there supporting me… forcing me to keep going… he fetched pens, ate pudding with me on the couch, tapped his toe in the morning as I made coffee, greeted me with a hello each morning, danced with me in circles on the kitchen floor, and slept in my legs every night until the day he passed away…

He was smarter than most people I know… had an ability to read people quickly… you always knew who was good and bad by his quick diagnosis. He was my peace at the end of the day that sat next to me in the sunroom… the warmth in my arms when we would nap by the fireplace… my laughter in play… my companion when cooking in the kitchen, when getting ready each morning for work, someone to watch over me whenever I took a bath, cleaned a room, or worked on a project… most wonderfully… he was my comfort in times of strife and loneliness, my beauty in this world, my pillow to soak up my tears when I was low… the love of my life.

***

I was laid off from work that summer, and was able to take care of him, spending every minute holding him as I searched on the computer for a new job, wrote songs, read books… he was my constant companion and I was his through it all...
He had been diagnosed early summer with a life ending disease… the terrible type of HIV for cats; the most uncommon and rare. We have no idea how he contracted it… he was healthy for 9.5 years then he started slipping away from us slowly but quite noticeably… I cried my eyes out when I got the news… a lifetime with Spirit would never be long enough… I miss him terribly the same today as the day he slipped away from me.
I would kiss him and hug him goodnight; and each morning I'd say a quick prayer for him before opening my eyes and hugging him to determine if he was still with me… i'd reach to pet him… he would respond with a sweet low buzz and I knew everything was alright for now…
He had this strange ringing in his ear at times… sort of an alien-ish loud noise… a high pitched 'C' that would just emulate from his head… we just got used to it over the years. It was profoundly loud sometimes…
It is rumored that when you hear the sound of a high-pitched 'C' you are hearing the sound of God's voice… this thought always came to mind when I heard the ringing coming from Spirit… he was an angel to me; I think he was sent to us from God himself.
Spirit made me a better person… more loving, compassionate… he taught me loyalty, responsibility, trust, patience, joy, happiness, comfort, serenity… I loved basking in the afternoon sun with him… especially on a Sunday afternoon in the summer… we'd lay on the cushions from the patio and dream away together til the sunset… such beauty and grace in those quiet moments.

***
It was a Friday afternoon; exactly four years ago… he was so strong… he was still able to drag his fragile body out of his cushion basket in attempt to go to the bathroom… of course he couldn't walk the distance so I would take him… I know this was the end… his body was very weak… though his will stronger than ever…
I laid with him in my arms on the floor, listening to John Denver as the sun disappeared into the sky that night… it grew dark… his lungs had been filling up with fluid and we were advised that this would eventually suffocate him. Spirit detested the vet… no doubt due to the first visits we dragged him to… including the neuter… which did not go smooth either… the surgery claw removal… oh the crap he endured at the vet… the term "vet" was profanity to Spirit…
He started to really struggle for air… I felt terrible… I couldn't help him… we called the vet… we were planning to take him in because it was just too much to witness... his grasping for every little amount of breath… but, Spirit was NOT going to have anything to do with the vet…
Tim cradled him in his arms… I held his little hands and looked into his beautiful eyes… rubbed my cheeks with his… my kisses and tears trickled upon his little face… I watched the life leave his beautiful little body… I watched the light leave his beautiful piercing blue eyes and fade to grey… I felt his love and presence float away from his little hands… his lifeless body lay in Tim and my arms… the love floated around the room for a while… then silence… a deafening silence… I lost a large part of myself that night… love is like that…
Spirit passed away unselfishly… allowing us the opportunity to leave the next Wednesday for a close friend's wedding celebration in Florida that took us on vacation the following week. He stayed with us a long as he knew he could. He probably would have held in there longer if the situation would have been different... but, he was smarter than us... and would not have never burdened us...
There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I don't think of him, feel the warmth and closeness of his little body in my legs when I am sleeping, hear his voice and feel the brush of him when I make coffee… it is a presence and profound love that never leaves. I loved him like the sun… and the moon… and all of the stars in the sky… still do… and, always will… none other will ever take his place... a one-of-a-kind love I was blessed to have.

***

~ Spirit ~

Godspeed little man… sweet dreams little man… my love will fly to you each night on angel wings… I love you and miss you my sweetheart… my beauty...


When I look to the sky - Train

When it rains it pours and opens doors that flood the floors
We thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you were here
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up and all of this when I sail away
And while I float upon this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plain overhead instead
It feels like it's impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
To see me over everything
That life may send me when I'm hoping it won't pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
There you are to show me
When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
You make everything alright
When I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're right here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here


Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) - dcx

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed, sweet dreams
The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed, sweet dreams
God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each

amen my beloved...